Saturday, November 28, 2009

Decisions, Decisions...

I especially like the choice between "New" and "Used" S.T.D.s.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Trend Setting

When my time comes on this earth, people will say of me, “He was here!” Oh yes!

And this will most likely be due to my contributions, (and assistance in contributions,) to the lexicon of society. F’rinstance:

Many people did not know that I am responsible for the “Finger quotes” hand gesture. Well, not me, personally, but I came up with the “Parenthesis Hands” gesture, which didn’t quite catch on, but someone must have seen me doing this and chose a different point of punctuation to act out.

Same thing with the milk mustache, (although my idea was actually the ‘watermelon sideburns’,) with similar results.

I was, however, the very first person to pluralize the word “Hell” when vehemently agreeing with myself, (as in “HELLS, YEAH!”) It was during a late night pub crawl, and I was intoxicatedly slurring due to a generous-handed barmaid, but the point still stands. (And if you are wondering if I will use “parenthesis hands” when I read this to anyone, the answer is “Hells yeah, I will!)

But, recently, I considered bringing back a fashion element. I wanted to reintroduce an element of class to a generation starved of it, stylistically-speaking. I chose the monocle. That's right, the monocle.

Now, there are many reasons for and against this iconic eyepiece, and all of these are in the form of past users, (so therefore images are available,) and graphically listing them just makes good sense...

So, in the end, the monocle’s connection to The Third Reich is just too close for a guy with a bald head like mine to risk. I may have to look for something else to be the next new trend.

Maybe carrying a riding crop. That's innocent enough.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I love this video. It is quite possibly the greatest video that I have ever seen.

Just look how damned cool that keyboard/vocalist is.
He knows. He knows that women want him, men want to BE him!

Pure Cheese.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Elvis Deciphered

I’ve been an Elvis fan all my life. Even in high school and college when it wasn’t considered “cool” to be an Elvis fan, I was an Elvis fan. His bluesier stuff are my faves, but I really dug it when he got funky in the sixties, with songs “ A Little Less Conversation,” “Burning Love,” and “Viva las Vegas.”

A great voice, and awesome songs, sure, but there was something else. Oh sure, everybody knows the “Pelvis” gyrations and the subtle sexuality played a huge role in his success, but closer inspection of some of his songs reveals some hidden subtext, much too controversial to be blatant, but it’s there, BETWEEN the lines. See what I mean...

Its Now Or Never” This one is pretty obvious. It could have been titled, “Put out or get out!” I mean check out some of these lyrics:

“...Tomorrow will be too late,

it's now or never

My love won't wait.”

Stuck On you” A cute little bubblegum pop song, right? Cute little bubblegum pop song about a STALKER!!! Check it out!

“Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall,

Ain't gonna do you no good at all.

'Cause once I catch ya and the kissin' starts

A team o' wild horses couldn't tear us apart”

Catch that on tape, ladies, and you got probable cause! Or at least a restraining order!

Way Down” A great little piece of funk in that guit-riff. But why is it SO damned appealing? Oh, of course! Its a song about Oral Sex! C’mon:

“I need you so, Baby, let's go

Way down - where it feels so good

Way down - where I hoped it would

Way down - where I never could

Way down, down, way, way on down”

Teddy Bear” One of the cutest little S&M songs ever!

“...Put a chain around my neck

and lead me anywhere...” and

“I don't wanna be a tiger

'Cause tigers play too rough.”

All Shook Up” 40 years before the advent of Grunge, Elvis opens up and sings a detox song...

“My tongue gets tied when I try to speak

My insides shake like a leaf on a tree

There's only one cure for this body of mine

That's to have “that girl” that I love so fine!”

There are many more hidden meanings in the man’s work. An ambitious guy with plenty of time and a conspiracy-oriented mentality could even write a doctorate on this topic!

Such as:

Burnin’ Love - Venereal Disease

Kissin’ Cousins - Incest

How the Web Was Woven - MySpace/Facebook affairs, (Again prophetic!)

Edge of Reality - Drug Trip

Witchcraft - Satan Worship

I’ll Never Let You Go - Hostage Situation/Love Slave

Mystery Train - Drugs

Milkcow Blues Boogie - Demonic Possession

You’re A Heartbreaker - Premeditated Homicide

I Got Stung - And again, Drugs

And the list goes on! What does it mean? What would that same ambitious dude with a shitload of free time and a conspiracy-oriented mentality read into this?

He might ask himself “How could a dirt-poor country cracker go from redneck truck driver to King of Rock and Roll/Movie Star/Legend?” “Why was he so compelled to sing of these topics?” “Why was he taken so young?” “Did he make a pact with the Devil for his fame and immortal legend?”

Elvis Presley: King of Rock & Roll, or Prince of Darkness?

Holy shit! I’m glad I am not a very ambitious guy. I don’t like this. (Plus, coming up with this crap takes a lot of work!)

Elvis STILL rocks, by the way.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

What to teach...

As a schoolteacher, I am continuously amazed that there are what I always considered fundamentally important things that so many people have never learned.

From an early age, schools, (preschools, kindergartens, primary schools,) should be teaching REAL life lessons that will make each student more welcomed in society later in their lives.

Here are a few examples:

- Courtesy flush! Seriously. This is not that difficult.

- Basic road rules: Turning left? Get on the frigging left!

- Deodorant and mouthwash aren't signs of conformity, you damned hippy!

- More basic road rules: Slower traffic stay right.

- Beer before liquor, et cetera.

- Yankees DO, in fact, suck!

- Disco STILL sucks

- In selecting a movie, beware anything that has Pauly Shore remotely associated with it. (File under “things that suck.”)

- 72.5% of all statistics are bullshit.

- Keep your eye on the fat kid. Trust me. Funny shit will ensue.

- Winning is important, but its the SECOND mouse gets the cheese.

Lets make tomorrow better. Kids need to learn this shit.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Decisions, Decisions...

Hmmm. I'm suddenly in the mood for a movie...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Left Over Hallowe'en Candy Ideas

First of all, I am not gonna speculate on the reason for only a single 'Trick or Treater' visiting last night, I am sure they had their reasons, and I am sure it was nothing personal.

I'm sure.

But the fact of the matter is, I now have one and a half metric shitloads of Halloween candy lying around, and if I don't want to force my dentist into buying a "Widebody Deluxe" dentistry chair, I need to find some other use for them aside from calling them full meals.

So, I comprised a list of 'Left Over Hallowe'en Candy Ideas'. (Feel free to use any if you, too, were snubbed by these little costumed beggars!)

- Alternative Gratuities: "Ahh, the service was excellent. And here are some Goobers for you, my good man!"

- 'Will-Work-For-Food' Wages: Let's see just how truthful those signs are. Clean out my gutters, cut and rake the lawn, and take out the trash. The pay is 8 Kit Kats and 12 Twizzlers per hour!

- Christmas Stocking Stuffers: Oh, sure. Like none of you have thought of this!

- Put it with the Crucifix and the Kryptonite: Now you can ward off Vampires, Superman AND Diabetics!

- 'Lawn Fishing' Squirrel Bait: Okay, this one is directed more towards those readers in the south...

- "Snickers Stuffing": Thanksgiving is right around the corner, y'know!

And, of course,
- Creative, (and Tasty!) Cocktail Garnishes: Reese's Cups go awesome with Amaretto, I, uh, happen to know.

Cheers, Chris

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