Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Surviving In A Post-'Zombie Apocalypse' World

A lot has been discussed on surviving the forthcoming Zombie Apocalypse. But let's face it, very few people will live. You and I are statistically far more likely to join the ranks of the undead than to find ourselves holed-up in a barricaded Walmart somewhere.

So, let's look at it from there.

Survival for a zombie is no picnic either. Consider other zombies: What was once a threat to your life is now competition for an ever dwindling food supply! To succeed in the ambling afterlife, one needs a plan. Therefore, I'm putting together a little kit for when the inevitable veil of walking death does start slip over me.

The average zombie is one of thousands, possibly millions.

How does one survive among so many and where everything else is faster and smarter than you? Planning ahead, that's how!
Think of an average zombie as a "standard package." That's swell, but for an edge, we wanna go with options!

1. Let's Talk Footwear!
Zombies spend a lot of time on their feet. A shoe with some arch-support might be able to provide a quicker, smoother gait for our future selves on the other side of the curtain of life. (I recommend some nice P.F. Flyers!)
Also, once I join the legions of the living dead, that quieter sole means I might be able to surprise some tasty morsel unawares!

2. The Best Defense!
Everybody knows you can only kill a zombie by destroying the brain. As an animated, cannibalistic corpse, a nice kevlar military helmet might just give me the edge when some human remnant with a Remington is defending his family in a clock tower. Just the type of common sense a zombie would use... if it could think.

3. A Good Offense!
Y'know, in every zombie movie that I have ever seen, someone gets grabbed by the walking dead, yet manages to pull away. The hands just simply aren't lethal enough.
So, to extend my grip and punch up the lethality of my future, undead grab, my kit will include a knife-tipped "Nightmare on Elm Street"-style of glove for my left hand that could turn the "one that got away" into "one that got only-a-little-bit away!"
Those unfortunate souls should still be pretty warm by the time I sit down to snack on them!

And finally...

4. What the heck? Hedge the bets!
Someone might believe it.
I mean, there may very well be some people so desperate and alone that they may actually believe I am faking my condition of zombism, and welcome me with open arms. By the time they can see that I am actually deceased, they should be well within my bite range and I feed again.

So, there you go. Oh, sure, I will try to stay alive as long as possible, just like everyone else, but if I get bitten, or injured and I feel myself starting to fade, I am slipping on my gear. If I am destined to be a flesh-eating ghoul, I will be the best damned flesh-eating ghoul that I can be!

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