My Virtual Attic

Lassie, Go Home!

2012-01-24T22:38:00.004-05:00

So, I noticed that today on Yahoo, they were discussing some Oscar nominees...

(Swiped from the Yahoo.com page.)

They listed "The Descendents," and "Moneyball," and something called "The Artist," (which I had previously, if incorrectly, dismissed as another film about that funny, little, purple guy formerly known as Prince.)

(Uh, WRONG!!!)

But as I read the article, it hit me... Holy Crap! That looks like Crosby!

(I actually think Crosby is more handsome!)

I knew it! My dog, Crosby, could be in movies and earning his keep around here! (Instead of freeloading and squatting like some deadbeat hippie!)

That, OR he has been moonlighting instead of going to his Doggie Daycare.

If this is the case, I better be extra nice to him, you know, in case he wins the Oscar!

Technophobe's Illustrated #21

2012-01-06T23:05:00.003-05:00

1/6/2012 - Christopher P. Toler

2012 - Change the Calendar!

2012-01-01T12:14:00.007-05:00

Happy New Year, everybody!

And, as with New Year's past, I put together a new calendar for the missus. I kept with the "Chick Flick" theme, (just because I think chickens are funny!) and fired up the old PhotoShop, (and grey matter,) to serve up yet another eye-stinging squirt from the freshly squeezed lemon of my mind!

Enjoy!

Cheers! And have a great 2012!

Surviving In A Post-'Zombie Apocalypse' World

2011-10-26T00:00:00.001-04:00

A lot has been discussed on surviving the forthcoming Zombie Apocalypse. But let's face it, very few people will live. You and I are statistically far more likely to join the ranks of the undead than to find ourselves holed-up in a barricaded Walmart somewhere.

So, let's look at it from there.

Survival for a zombie is no picnic either. Consider other zombies: What was once a threat to your life is now competition for an ever dwindling food supply! To succeed in the ambling afterlife, one needs a plan. Therefore, I'm putting together a little kit for when the inevitable veil of walking death does start slip over me.

The average zombie is one of thousands, possibly millions.

How does one survive among so many and where everything else is faster and smarter than you? Planning ahead, that's how!

Think of an average zombie as a "standard package." That's swell, but for an edge, we wanna go with options!

1. Let's Talk Footwear!

Zombies spend a lot of time on their feet. A shoe with some arch-support might be able to provide a quicker, smoother gait for our future selves on the other side of the curtain of life. (I recommend some nice P.F. Flyers!)

Also, once I join the legions of the living dead, that quieter sole means I might be able to surprise some tasty morsel unawares!

2. The Best Defense!

Everybody knows you can only kill a zombie by destroying the brain. As an animated, cannibalistic corpse, a nice kevlar military helmet might just give me the edge when some human remnant with a Remington is defending his family in a clock tower. Just the type of common sense a zombie would use... if it could think.

3. A Good Offense!

Y'know, in every zombie movie that I have ever seen, someone gets grabbed by the walking dead, yet manages to pull away. The hands just simply aren't lethal enough.

So, to extend my grip and punch up the lethality of my future, undead grab, my kit will include a knife-tipped "Nightmare on Elm Street"-style of glove for my left hand that could turn the "one that got away" into "one that got only-a-little-bit away!"

Those unfortunate souls should still be pretty warm by the time I sit down to snack on them!

And finally...

4. What the heck? Hedge the bets!

Someone might believe it.

I mean, there may very well be some people so desperate and alone that they may actually believe I am faking my condition of zombism, and welcome me with open arms. By the time they can see that I am actually deceased, they should be well within my bite range and I feed again.

So, there you go. Oh, sure, I will try to stay alive as long as possible, just like everyone else, but if I get bitten, or injured and I feel myself starting to fade, I am slipping on my gear. If I am destined to be a flesh-eating ghoul, I will be the best damned flesh-eating ghoul that I can be!

Deep woods, Maine.

2011-09-30T21:57:00.005-04:00

So, August, 2011, in Poland Maine, the Missus and I rent a cabin on a lake for a week of secluded "getaway" vacation-time.

Yeah, okay. A week is a long time with just two people. "Invite some friends!" she suggests. Great idea.

So, I do. Some of my oldest and dearest friends are in the area from Ohio. "Come stay with us for a coupla' days." I suggest. They are all for it.

My friend, Ron, originally from Baltimore, is now living in central Ohio. His girlfriend, Joyce, is from around my parts and the three of us have known each other since we in high school. With his two boys, aged 13 and 14, both raised their whole lives in Ohio, they visit for a coupla' days out in the deep Maine wildness, full of wildlife, nature, and other foreign stuff to the average Midwest teen.

Well, one of those nights, the older of the two boys, was out fishing on the dock, (the cabin we rented had its own dock on a small, quiet lake in Poland, Maine.) While we were indoors, playing a game or some such malarky, He burst into the cabin: "I'm not going out there alone again!" he declared, quite frightfully!

He went on, "There was these two Loch Ness Monster-looking things appeared up out of the water and started howling like wolves!"

I began laughing. My other house guests looked at me, surprised. I broke out my iPod and pulled up a photo: "Did this thing look like this?" I asked. And when he responded that it did, I explained that it was simply a loon.

Yup. A Loon. The howling waterfowl of the Northwest.

I showed the photo to the boy's father, who was quick to rephrase the entire situation. "You got punked down by a Duck!!! A DUCK!!!"

Throughout the evening, out on the lake, the laughter continued with every howl of the loon.

Ahh, City kids. How can you not just get a kick outta them!?!

Chris

Yet Even MORE Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

2011-08-02T02:57:00.010-04:00

Oh, it's true that I don't do much during my summer vacation. But every now and again, I get a "creative urge" to do SOMETHING, and PhotoShop is my usual outlet.

Here now is my latest batch of crimes against good taste, courtesy of Photoshop.

Oh, Baby, Baby...

Okay, in fairness, with this one, I actually set out to make something more creepy than that hot dog one from my previous posting... I think I came pretty close with this.

Chris van Gogh

This was an attempt to elicit a reaction from a classically-trained artist friend of mine. But, it was to no avail. She no longer replies to anything I say or do. (I must've REALLY pissed her off! Go figure.)

FLASH!!!

I was feeling kind of heroic one day, so I decided to hijack a Flash Gordon still. But, instead of looking all brave 'n' shit, I decided to make myself look as scared as possible of whatever was off camera. I think it adds a little depth of character.

In any case, big gun, eh?

I Am Your Sunshine...

Inspired by a nice New England heat wave, (and way too many people bitching about how hot it is!!!)

The NEW Cousin Oliver!

I really just wanted in on this. I may even try to blend it into my "Artificial Memories" collection.

That's it for now, I mean, I DO have a friggin' life, y'know!

Chris

The Best Defense...

2011-07-11T15:04:00.011-04:00

"Defensive Driving” is fine and dandy for some, but if you live in a higher population density area,

like I do, you get a lot more total a-holes on the road, and frankly, defensive driving and polite roadway etiquette is not always possible, (Mother Theresa would be flipping someone the bird if she drove through my old neighborhood!)

So, it just makes sense that SOME ‘reactions’ should be permitted by law. Not ‘Road Rage’ incidents, just simple causality.

Here now, is my list of SUGGESTED responses to assorted traffic infractions.

Y'know, thinking it through, if everybody responded to bad-driving scenarios like this, incidents of such poor road practices would probably decrease, thereby making a safer driving experience for us, and our children.

And don't the children deserve it?

Sponsored by the Chris Toler for President Campaign

Photo Safari: St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-19T14:16:00.014-04:00

The fourth installment of my Photo Safari Series finds me in Boston on St. Patrick's Day, if only for a coupla' hours.

Right off that bat, it needs to be said that I, too, was out there.

AND I was dressed in green, AND I wore my Irish Tri-Color Converse All Stars.

Everyone out there, in their over the top green attire was there to celebrate and have fun.

There. Now may I PLEASE begin mocking!?! Thank you.

We began our St. Paddy's Day Safari in the Quincy Market/Faneuil Hall area of Boston with original hopes of tossing a few coin over the bar at The Black Rose pub. These hopes were choked-out with the reality that The Black Rose was charging the stupidly exploitive price of $30.00 for a cover charge! Yeah! That's just to get in!

Feck that!

And there, like a big, beaming, green & white beacon in the darkness of our rejection; an angel of hope In the foreground...

And like a starter pistol, The Safari was on!

If Dark Colors Are Slenderizing...

...than the opposite is easy enough to prove, right?

Quick! Try to see where the pasty, pale-white legs end and the tights of the same color begin!

That tiny, little hat doesn't help the look, either.

Hey! We Got Green Beer in Here!

Yup. Drunk guys trying to pick up chicks from the back of rented stretch limo Hummers with promises of alcohol isn't limited to Ft. Lauderdale!

I wish him all the luck in the world!

Get Yer Green Shit Here!

Respect!

As I was exploiting the revelers with my camera, so was this "businessman" looking to turn a profit. He looked about as Irish as Tony Soprano, but hey! A job's a job.

I'd tip my big, green, floppy, stupid-looking, cat-in-the-hat hat to you, sir, if I had one.

How much?

Generic Punters

Speaking of floppy hats...

We find an oasis in the form of a $5.00-cover-charge-bar to wet our parched whistles. This was just a random selection of patrons and their headwear.

Chicks Dig Guys in Kilts

Outside, music was starting, and Boston Firefighters Pipe and Drum were, uh, "warming up."

The Green Derby Crowd Loves Us!

In the midst of Quincy Market and a throng of mass-produced, party-store novelty chapeaus, another band was in full swing.

Also among this band's audience was a real, live leprechaun, some chick in bright green stockings checking me out as I took her picture, and the bedazzling new technicolor uniform of

the Salvation Army's Special Forces.

And this year's Winner of the Brightest Shoes in the World award...

Cheers!

Decisions, Decisions...

2011-03-10T21:31:00.002-05:00

Even MORE Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

2011-01-22T23:00:00.002-05:00

With little to no gumption, (that's right! I said the word "gumption,") to write anything new, with no new entries into The Technophobes Illustrated Dictionary, no new collection of "Random Thoughts" ready to go, and no new "Decisions, Decisions" to make, I decided to get my lazy on and give a second, (maybe third,) shot at visibility to a few old PhotoShop pieces once again.

Originally appearing in the blog posting, "Island of the Damned" I decided to share the news of my love affair with Miss Ginger Grant to the world with this one.

Keep yer Mary Ann! I like 'em a just little whorier...

Always On My Mind... And, uh, Arm

Used as a pop-up illustration for a cocktail, (named The Ginger Grant,) in my OTHER blog, Greatest Drink in The World... This Week.

Hey, nice guns!

Don't call me Honky!

Me when I was the original Tom Willis from television's The Jeffersons.

Possible candidate for the next installment of my "Artificial Memories" collection.

The Nutty Irishman

Another pop-up illustration from my drinks blog. This one an illustration from the Home-Made Liqueurs series.

Lucky, Me Arse!

My response to an only-somewhat-justified stereotyping comment from last March's Luck of the Irish.

Again, probably made when hungry.

That's it for now. I've got some time that needs killin'...

Identity Crisis

2011-01-15T16:35:00.004-05:00

What the hell is this?

Now I am an "Ophiuchus?" Yeah, THAT really rolls off the tongue.

So apparently, there is a brand new Zodiac sign. And unlike those folks that got shifted to a neighboring sign, (and, I guess, a whole new horoscope!) I get saddled with this new one.

True, I am not sure if the whole Sagittarius thing was working for me, anyways. The horoscopes were turning out to be straight-up bulljack as far as I was concerned, and had me condemning the whole theory of "star-signs" as utter malarkey.

Now, I am not so sure.

Moreover, I don't know if I WILL be sure until I know the attributes of this new Ophiuchy-thingy.

Are my fellow "Serpent-bearers" and I supposedly skeptical? If so, maybe I am right in condemning this stuff. But if we are supposed to be more open-minded, (or gullible,) well, perhaps I will have to reconsider this zodiac stuff!

But what about all those years of being LIED to about being a Sagittarius? Is "indignant" among my new attributes as a "Serpentarius?" Maybe I have the tendency to become violent at the clusterfuck of misinformation that was fed to me for so long! Perhaps we Ophiuchans are tireless in our pursuit of justice and litigious in said pursuit!

Oh heads will roll.

Maybe.

Just wait 'til I find out how I am gonna react. Some potentially serious shit might possibly hit a fan.

Just like that time when I lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

Crosby's Journal

2011-01-13T01:15:00.000-05:00

Crosby’s Journal: January 13, 2011

It would appear that table scraps, AKA “people food,” might be a bit more difficult to acquire with my new family.

The woman seems to be weakening,

succumbing to the power of

“the eyes,” but the big, bald one, the man, he seems to be immune to it.

Today he actually ate a meat sandwich in

front of me. A soulful, longing glance and a forced tummy rumbling only got me a sincere word about my safety should I attempt to take some. I believe this to be true.

At one point, he dropped a piece of what I can only assume was salami or some type of pimento loaf.

I was certain that once it hit the floor, it was “dog’s domain.”

However, it never hit the floor. Like a giant, bald mongoose, the man grabbed the errant meat in mid-air and returned it to his sandwich.

I should have guessed from looking at him that this man never let any piece of his meal escape him.

The woman is my only chance.

Crosby's Journal

2011-01-02T01:00:00.000-05:00

Crosby's Journal: January 2, 2010

In an effort for better understanding, the man has endeavored to teach me some of his language.

So far, I am able to understand the words "sit," "come," "paw," and "down" in their native tongue.

In exchange, I am teaching my new humans some key words in MY language. As of this writing, I am consistently able to express the phrases "I need to go peeps," and "I need to go doosies," (very similar to the untrained eye/ear, but they appear to grasp the hidden nuances.)

I am confident that we will have meaningful conversations within the month.

This said, the phrase, "Can I have a bite of that sandwich?" seems to be a difficult one for the Man to grasp.

My lessons continue.

Crosby's Journal

2010-12-27T18:00:00.002-05:00

Crosby's Journal: Christmas Day, 2010

Big day!

For Christmas I got a new home and new people.

They came with a new yard, neighborhood and even a pick-up truck!

But the best is the food. It really makes my bum taste great!

Crosby's Journal: December 27, 2010

BLIZZARD!!!

This "snow" stuff can be a lot of fun, but for future reference: When going for peeps, find shallower snow, or grow longer legs.

Wow! My pee-pee is cold!

Merry Elfin' Christmas, 2010

2010-12-21T18:04:00.004-05:00

from Chris & Cheryl

An Illustrated Christmas Wish List

2010-11-26T09:00:00.001-05:00

Black Friday: The busiest shopping day of the year!

Christmas is fast approaching, and, considerate me, I am helping out folks by publishing my own Christmas "Wish List!"

Y'know, many times I've been told that people find me difficult to shop for. Bah! Fools!

BUT last year when people asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said only two things: 1) for someone else to finish my Christmas shopping for me, or 2) a cap and vest combination like those worn by the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz.

Cool threads, Niko!

Incidentally, I got neither.

So, this year, I am offering up a number of options: The following is a list of items SO DAMNED COOL that they would make awesome gifts.

Yes. Another "Attic P.S.A."

1. The Shining Cuckoo Clock!

This was the impetus for this posting! On the hour, Jack tears through the wall and shouts "Here's Johnny!" and Shelley Duvall screams!

Oh Em Gee! I SO f'in' want this!

2. A Ton-Ton Sleeping Bag

The inside even looks like guts!

NERD ALERT, NERD ALERT!!! (A familiarity with "The Empire Strikes Back" is needed to understand this.)

3. The COOLEST Lunchbox in the Whole Wide World!!!

The thermos cap even has a head on it! Seriously!

4. A Corkscrew You Don't F* With

Think twice before bitching about the vintage.

5. The Absolute King of Condiments!

What would I put this on? What WOULDN'T I put this on!

And in that convenient squeeze bottle to get to my arteries all the quicker!

"Squeez Bacon: Its what for dinner!"

Any one of these items would make my holiday season all the damned Merrier!

Thank you in advance,

Chris

Hidden Images

2010-11-08T22:02:00.003-05:00

Those graphic designers are sneaky bastards! (Oh, I said it!)

Often, they will sneak in a hidden image into an otherwise innocent logo for a private joke.

This brief collection will illustrate just what I mean...

Yeah, this first one is really sneaky! Try to see it as one person instead of two!

Ah HAH!

With the name, "A-Style," I am not sure that this one isn't intentional!

Okay, this is just silly! How did they NOT see that?!?

Ouch. Very, VERY unfortunate logo here.

This one is just great. I just look at it and laugh!

A more immature mind would have seen the flaw in this design.

Another incredibly unfortunate design, especially given that it is a priest, (but in fairness, this design came out decades before that whole "clergy scandal"-thing.)

And my all time favorite...

Awesome!

By the way, if you have a difficult time seeing the hidden design in the above logo, or in any of the logos shown here, then congratulations! You are a better person than me...

(...Not like that is a high bar or anything.)

Advertising... with children!

2010-11-06T17:16:00.006-04:00

In the advertising world, apparently, kids sell.

However, there are some products just aren't naturally suited to advertisements featuring kids.

One would think this fact was pretty blatant.

However...

Here are some past advertisements exploiting kids that really push this point home:

Last-minute Hallowe'en advice...

2010-10-30T22:14:00.002-04:00

More Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

2010-10-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

Still a lazy bastard at heart, I slapped together another post that required almost no additional work on my part !

But, since I DID once put some work into making these PhotoShop pix, I figger I will get the most out of 'em!

Hey, look at me! I'm recycling! (How "green!")

Experts

Here's me drinking with the Banana Splits. This is a "panel of experts" pop-up from my drinks recipes blog, "The Greatest Drink in the World... This Week."

Drooper is so shitfaced in that picture.

Eomancer

This is the picture from my "Eomancy" post from March of 2009. It was to help illustrate my particular psychic gift...

I made this a while back out of boredom. I never used it for anything and thusly it has no title.

I think I was hungry at the time...

ChiaChris: One of the shopped photos from my "Twelve Things for Christmas" post/song from last December.

With Christmas fast approaching, I should remind folks that I still feel this way!

Bosom Buddy

Um, yeah...

This needs some explaining... A friend started dating a woman with a HUGE rack. So, being the bastard that I am, I sent the above picture, hoping to rob some of his enjoyment by have this image pop into his head at just the right moment...

Eat Me!

Again, probably hungry while PhotoShopping!

This pic is sort of like a back-up avatar of mine, right after that goofy-looking angel!

Chris Dog

There is something just a little obscene about this one.

You have a difficult time looking at it, don't you? Be honest!

Dentist, My Ass

Obviously from last December. From my "Letters to Santa" series.

but the sentiment is true...

It ain't over. More PhotoShoppery is due, sooner or later.

Cheers.

Da bomb!

2010-10-23T00:00:00.001-04:00

With the recent rash of bombings in my neighborhood, (yes! Bombings!) and Hallowe'en's rapid approach, I am reminded of the year that I decided to dress up as the Unabomber.

No! Not Ted Kaczynski's UnaBomber mugshot, the police sketch artist's version.

The two are so different that it got me thinking, ANYONE could have been that guy!

"All Points Bulletin: Be on the lookout for Magnum P.I.!"

And being frequently bored with the stuff I am supposed to be doing, (A.K.A., life,) I chose to fire up the photoshop and test my theory.

Since anyone with a hood, mustache and sunglasses could fit the description of this "artist," (I don't think the guy could draw hair or eyes,) I compiled an ALTERNATIVE list of suspects.

And I'm keeping my eyes on these ones...

Sixties rock singer and former political figure, Sonny Bono:

Actually, he's pretty much in the clear.

Anchorman, Ron Burgundy:

Adult film star, Ron Jeremy:

Coffee Baron Juan Valdez:

Seventies sitcom star, Mr. Kotter:

"Welcome back!"

Simpsons neighbor Ned "Diddly" Flanders:

Or even,

Muppet & boomerang-fish master Lew Zealand!

Lastly, from that Hallowe'en of years past, here is me in that costume, (and that's the missus dressed up as a "Mobile-Home-coming Queen.")

Happy Hallowe'en.

Decisions, Decisions...

2010-10-19T12:00:00.003-04:00

Hmmm... Really not all that hungry anymore...

Technophobe's Illustrated #20

2010-10-17T16:40:00.006-04:00

Christopher Toler, 10/17/10

EMOTICONS!

2010-10-11T13:38:00.013-04:00

Happy Emoting!

Chris

Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

2010-09-28T22:34:00.006-04:00

I love my photoshop program. It is so much fun.

But people get kinda freaky-deaky when I put their likenesses on tampon boxes, or in newspaper headlines featuring Chris Hansen. I don't know, I thought it would be flattering.

So, in order to express my "creative side," (so much nicer than the term the shrinks use!) without inciting more death threats, I use my own likeness as my subject. Does this make me narcissistic? Not at all! (Being in love with myself and not giving a crap about anyone else makes me narcissistic!) This just gives me more freedom.

So, here now are just a few of my past Photoshop productions featuring my humble self...

I decided to start this off with among my favorite pictures; the one that confesses a dark secret of mine, from my earlier post, "The Thing About Witches."

Here is me with my band of brothers from my "Among the Sasquatch" post.

Mr. Potato-Chris - Not flattering, I know. This got no fewer than three people to ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you?!?" I don't know. I found it funny.

"Extra Chris P." - Absolutely no reason for this. I was bored one day. And hungry, I guess.

Sorry, this one still cracks me up!

"Dutch Chris" - Used in my "Greatest Drink in the World... This Week" blog for a drink featuring a Dutch-made liqueur, The ChaiTini.

"Moonhead" - this is the wallpaper on my iPod Touch!

Okay. That is enough of that crap for right now. Even I get tired of seeing my face! I'll be back when I have something NEW to post, not just rehashing old shit again!

Decisions, Decisions...

2010-09-25T22:46:00.001-04:00

So, exactly how thirsty are you?

Photo Safari: Santa Fe

2010-09-20T11:45:00.003-04:00

Santa Fe, New Mexico is pretty widely known for its laid-back, artist-style, hippy-friendly atmosphere, throw in a "Folk-Art Festival" and you are one step away from a Woodstock reunion!

So, my sister and I were strolling through the festival when we saw this guy: Long white beard, blue turban AND a visor?

Trophy! As soon as we saw him, we knew a Photo Safari was on!

The matching silk pajamas suit earned this woman a spot.

Headwear is always a good attention getter, and one shaped like a sand castle is perfect to get one included in this collection!

So many flowing, silken gowns, skirts, scarves, and wraps.

Here, a woman tests out a garment's "flowability" to make sure it moves enough.

I only included this woman because of her magnificent head of hair! Nothing freakish about her otherwise, and no points were awarded for this shot.

The perfect mid-point on an imaginary spectrum that has Fran Drescher at one end and Stevie Nicks down the other.

My sister in mid-snapshot of a "one pantleg rolled up on a henna-tattooed senior" trophy.

Loud and proud, baby. Loud and proud.

The Folk-Art Festival was supposed to be about cool shit like this...

Not freaky-deaky attendees! This was just a bonus!

But, before anyone gives me shit about mocking these people for being true to who they are, remember that mocking is MY WAY of being true to who I am.

Darth Nibbles

2010-09-18T09:00:00.002-04:00

The following is a true story, every damned word.

Cleaning out my mother’s shed not too long ago, I found a box. Opening it up I discovered only some old, plastic garden supplies. "Nothing too interesting there," I thought. However, deep within these supplies I suddenly spied pair of black eyes looking up at me.

Those tiny peepers belonged to a momma mouse with a whole clather of young ‘uns attached to her!

Ah crap.

Now I am not SO heartless as to harm an innocent family, okay, but I also won’t allow a bunch of freeloading squatter’s rights to this shed!

I collected the whole box and carried it out of the shed, when one little mouse detached itself from its mother and looked up at me.

...

I was transfixed. After a moment or so in, I realized I was under a Jedi Mind Trick!

I guess 'mouse-Jedis' only hold sway on smaller animals because I shook it off pretty quickly. But still was the problem of relocating a family. I took the whole clutch of them to the edge of the woods and dumped them out. They all scrambled through the desperately in the in-need-of-a-cutting grass towards the woods and perceived safety just outside the fenceline.

At the last minute, the little one stopped and looked back at me. I wasn't sure if he nodded his head in a silent "thank you for kindness, Good Human" gesture or if it was a "You took our home, I will not sleep until I have destroyed all that you care for!" gesture. Mice are hard to read like that.

I must admit, however, that I kind of enjoy the thought of having a future that could either find me rewarded by some future king of the Mouse world or one that has me suffering at the tiny little hands of a rodent overlord, Jedi descendent.

So exciting.

A Tale of Wisdoms

2010-09-11T17:00:00.001-04:00

So, about a week or so back I gave in and finally got my last three wisdom teeth pulled. One of them was cracked and I figured I'd get it all over with at once.

Yeah, there was a LITTLE swelling...

But the funny thing about having teeth pulled: They don't want to give them back to you after they pull them; "biohazard," or some such malarkey. However, they DO make an exception for *ahem* teachers.

So I got two of my wayward choppers back, all covered with blood, and jaw flesh, and calcified tissue, (Blegh!)

I cleaned 'em up a bit, (flossing was a cinch!) and removed all that extra junk, et viola! Better than ever!

But now, what do I do with them.

I got some suggestions, mostly for a necklace. But I only have the two teeth. So I thought instead:

Earrings! (Tres fashionable!)

Or how about...

Human Scrimshaw! Ha-HA! How the tables are turned!

Or perhaps:

Corn On the Cob holders!

(Ironic, since it is usually corn that gets stuck in the teeth, not the other way around!)

Some other ideas for consideration include: Pushpin/thumbtacks, cufflinks, a 'Crocodile Dundee'-style hatband, and custom stereo knobs...

Still looking for the perfect use.

Any ideas? I am open to ALL suggestions!

Thanks!

Photo Safari: Maine

2010-09-06T10:19:00.008-04:00

Maine: America's Vacationland and the South of the North.

On a recent R&R getaway with the missus, we ran across this place: A road-side business involving a massive building, decades of rust, mold and splinters, and maybe seven or eight teeth.

American Pickers, you been served.

Is it a Barn? Or is it a Mall? BOTH?!?

Just a little "eye-candy" out front to entice the masses.

Out front signage: "Keep dogs in car. No shit."

We found it ironic that Elmer didn't want shit in his front yard!

Further Irony is that there is a toilet at the base of this sign.

The welcoming front doors to the "Antiques Mall" beckon one inside...

Like a giant Venus Flytrap!

Whilst meandering though the building, I snap a shot of some of the acres of "wares."

It was like a Tetanus Jamboree!

Another shot of things for sale here, this one taken from up one the third floor, I believe.

The "Folded Mermaid" sculpture was particularly telling about the contents of this mall.

An attempt to cash in on the huge "Second-Hand Mill-Stone Craze" that is apparently sweeping our nation's attic.

Incidentally, as I came around to take this shot, the "Creepy Screaming Stone Clown Face" scared the shit outta me!

A wide assortment of yard crap, and not a gnome in sight.

"You want totem poles? We got your totem poles right here! C'mon Down!"

Okay, I mock, but in fairness, I did buy something; this cool, old, black kettle and it goes perfectly in my kitchen.

Thank you, Elmer.

Po' Boy Travel Tip

2010-07-21T01:08:00.001-04:00

Smells of summer

2010-04-20T14:59:00.009-04:00

Few things about being a schoolteacher are as gratifying as the vacation time. Like right now!

Last night, however, as the missus lay all sleepy-poo under her covers, (she does NOT have the week off. So I try to be quiet when I stay up. Thoughtful husband,) I was enjoying a late night repast of Mai Tais and popcorn, when suddenly it hit me: The wicks on my new tiki-totem-shaped tiki torches are too long!

I decided to light them! Ingenious. So I fill the little bastards with citronella fuel and break out the Zippo, (actually, the Zippo was out in my truck. I used a Bic. But since "Break out the Zippo" just sounds better, lets keep that line in for all future retellings...)

I gave the wicks a little extra "burn room" and add the fuel. A few moments later, they are fully charged and I give them a light. Magnificent! A big, full flame with that odor of burning citronella that just yells, "SUMMERTIME!"

Suddenly, though, the yelling is real. Or at least an approximation of yelling. Apparently, the extra wick, and the newness of it, threw off quite a little bit of soot into the room, and my smoke detectors proved that bargain batteries are just as good as those brand names, blaring their wake-up call to rat me out to the wife!

Now, years ago, I studied to be a firefighter, (among a plethora of other things) and am well practiced in the case of such an emergency. I spring into action...

I quickly disabled the smoke detectors after the first two sets of chirps! I opened the back door and blew out my torches and waited for repercussions.

Shortly thereafter, the bedroom door opens and my wife, Cheryl, comes out. She uses the bathroom. Maybe she was awakened but wasn't aware of what caused her to wake! That has happened to me in the past!

Upon leaving the bathroom, she calls down to me. "What was that noise?" she asks.

"Noise?" I feign ignorance, poorly. "What noise? I didn't hear anything. I'm sure you were dreaming!" (They always use THAT line in the movies. It sometimes works, too. Why the fuck not? I mean, what do I have to lose, right?)

"That beeping! You KNOW what I'm talking about," she quickly sees through my cunning deception, (and knowing that I had a Mai Tai or two that evening, she more than likely imagined me doing one of my drunken fry-ups!)

With nowhere else to turn, (and lord knows, the truth is not a card needed to play yet!) I dismiss the whole thing with, "Don't you worry about that. It has been dealt with." I hoped that these words made me out to seem more of a protector and less of a menace, and Cheryl sighs, a sigh somewhere between exasperation and too tired to care for further dealings with my like. She returns to sleep.

But I had a taste. And I liked it. I took my two new torches out back, (lesson learned!) and lit them again. Oh my god! The smell of citronella has such a ring of summer to it. It was awesome. If I had a hard time getting motivated to do some work out in the yard yesterday, well, today was a cinch. Summer is well and truly on the horizon and I had just the slightest taste of it last night.

And though Cheryl doesn’t realize it yet, so did she.

Unattended Blog Math

2010-04-18T16:22:00.003-04:00

Thought - Motivation = A whole list of Nothing.

In other words, although there are a lot of ideas running through my head that I wanted to write about, I simply haven't been motivated lately.

Hence, the Attic sits dormant.

Maybe sooner or later, I will get motivated, but one problem is, some of my ideas require a bit more work than than I really want to do right now...

But, today, I decided to write something. Anything! So, in an effort to light a fire under my own butt, here is a short list of some of the things I want to eventually get to:

1. Toast! In true egomaniacal fashion, I decided to make a stencil of my face cut into aluminum foil and place it on a slice of bread and put it in the toaster, so that my likeness would be toasted into it. Yummy.

2. Kermit Sings. Another project that I started but haven't gotten into was a commercial for Kermit the Frog on his banjo doing heavy metal songs. Splicing some footage from muppets movies and shows, and overdubbing me playing banjo and doing my best Kermit impersonation on songs like AC/DC, Metallica, Sabbath, et cetera.

3. "Ode to the Chicken: Nature's Candy." Just a poem that I started.

4. "The Redcoats." Apparently anyone can come up with a political movement these days. The name doesn't have to be remotely related either! ("Tea Party?" Weren't the original Tea Partiers, like, really liberal? A bit of a departure there, huh?)

5. Akai Rice. Lastly, I was planning on writing out an amusing little tale about Akai rice, (56 times more fiber than white rice. That's right, FIFTY SIX TIMES!!!) and its chemical reactions with Mai Tais. A true story that is still "unfolding..."

Decisions, Decisions...

2010-04-13T06:33:00.004-04:00

This here is YET ANOTHER example of the value of consulting immature people.

Why Great Britain ROCKS!!!

2010-04-07T20:19:00.009-04:00

Back in September, I posted "Why Bavaria ROCKS!!!" and had a hard time believing such names existed.

Well, apparently, that is nothing! Great Britain has some of the most unexpected place names going! And unlike Bavaria, these have ALWAYS been in English!

No consistency to the Queen's tongue, eh? (Oooh! THAT sounded dirty!)

Here's what I mean:

I'm not making these up! See:

I was going to try to connect these sights in a logical manner, suitable for touring, but frankly, there are just too many!

And here are a few more!!!

And, before I turn in for the night, I need to get out the old "Cock & Pullet!"

What did you think I meant?

Paint the House?

2010-04-03T23:27:00.007-04:00

Yup. April is here and with it, nice weather and my wife's annual list of chores to ruin it.

This year, she informs me that I am painting the house. Our current coat of paint is a fairly bland, weather-worn shade of Union Blue, I am assuming period to the house's 1831 date of origin.

But I don't want to just paint it for the sake of getting a sunburn. I want something DIFFERENT!

A few color schemes were bandied about, but then a thought struck me: Why must we go with solids?

So I fired up the Photoshop and tried a few combinations...

The Tartan House:

Yeah, Baby! The mad, bad, plaid pad. In a variation of the MacGregor Tartan, in honor of my father's Scottish heritage.

Casa de Paisley:

Subtle, understated, yet classy. This just hollers sophisticated, doesn't it?

The Alo-house:

This is my favorite. It can make the bleakest of New England days a tropical luau.

Tribal Abode:

Eye-catching, sure. But a little on the hip & trendy side. And frankly, I am way past the "rave-crowd" age. Pass.

The Van Gogh Home:

C'mon. This is pretty cool, right? Slightly pretentious, I grant you, but still, well on the neat-o side.

Fort Camo:

Unfortunately, with this paint-job, the Chinese Food delivery guy will NEVER find my house!

E.W.I.

2010-04-02T14:25:00.002-04:00

Last July, I wrote about a really nice little ukulele that I had apparently purchased one evening whilst "in my cups!"

I still enjoy playing this instrument, (although, not many others can say that THEY enjoy my playing!) and have no regrets about purchasing it, but I am not sure if I would have done so had I not refilled my glass quite so many times that evening!

Oh well. "Lesson learned," right?

Hmmm. Apparently not. Enter Ebay. I do enjoy Ebay. I don't always RECALL enjoying Ebay, but how can you NOT dig that PayPalone-click shopping! No need for focusing, or clear-headedness. Just "click!" and you are surrendering to impulse.

The following is a short list of items that I acquired whlie E.W.I., ('Ebaying While Intoxicated.') Let my shame be your enjoyment.

My "Posable" Elvis doll.

A little over 6 inches tall, sporting his 1973 "Aloha from Hawaii" (strictly coincidence, I swear!), white, bedazzled jumpsuit. This is fully posable, as long as you pose Elvis EXACLY the way you see him above.

Billy Beer!

This is CLEARLY not something I would have bought had a clearer head prevailed. "Y'know, I could really go for a 33 year old beer brewed by a guy who drank Pabst Blue Ribbon."

No.

The Mayor McCheese "Action Figure"

This one took me by surprise, I gotta admit. I thought that I dreamed buying this. A really good laugh when I unsuspectedly open this package!

This is for sale, by the way, if anybody is interested.

I also discovered OTHER purchases that I thought I would share here. This time from iTunes, (maybe I need an "i.W.I." posting, too!)

A bunch of songs by The Monkees.

Fortunately, I am a Monkees fan.

Decisions, Decisions...

2010-03-20T17:46:00.001-04:00

Maybe this should be "Directions, Directions!"

Éireann go Brách!

2010-03-17T06:00:00.000-04:00

Luck of the Irish, part 2

2010-03-16T06:00:00.008-04:00

Since first posting my ‘Luck of the Irish’ story, I have received many

suggestions on ideas to track down my lost lucky Florin. Some were pretty silly, (a metal detector? Indoors? Jeez.) Some more practical, and pretty easy to do, (a divining rod! Who’da thunk it?) And some were simply stereotypical, anti-Irish attacks, (“Lucky Charms cereal," Kristine? Be serious!)

The results were that I found, (or “divined,”) a shitload of strange coins here in my house!

A Susan B. Anthony dollar, a Sacagawea dollar, A William Henry Harrison dollar, (I didn't even know those existed!), an "AA 24 Hours Sober" coin, a pile of various gaming tokens, and even a square, 5-Florin Coin from Aruba! But alas, no lucky 2-shilling piece.

And then, like a stroke of genius, the idea hit me like a flashback born of way too many drugs in my gloriously misspent youth; Boom! "Brady knows best."

In my head, the music came up; “Here’s the story, of a lovely lady...”

March, 1970, episode 25 of the first season finds little Jan

receiving a locket from an anonymous sender and everyone plays detective to find out who sent it.

But, (and here is where it gets interesting,) she loses it! Peter suggests that everyone re-enact the events leading up to “crime.” The whole family was meticulous in the re-enactments... And it worked. Jan’s locket was found.

So, I too, must recreate the events of the night that my 1965 Florin coin arrived in order to find out where I put it.

I began by ordering a new coin. This time, I went with an Irish 1965 penny, a (“Lucky Penny!”) I made sure to drink exactly the same amount of whiskey as I did the first time, and, as much as I wanted to drink from my Mayor McCheese glass tonight, it was Ronald then, so it was Ronald now.

Sláinte! (Work, work, work!)

I watched the same movies, I sang the same songs, I got into the same argument with the missus, everything was going perfectly...

I think. Things started to get a little foggy about the time Egon was once again explaining about giant Twinkie of paranormal activity...

And... Chris: Out.

So, I am not sure if the experiment was a success or not. I DID completely re-enact the series of events precisely, (just like those Brady kids!) and I WAS able to force the the exact same outcome.

Now my new penny is missing.

Crap. So is all of my whiskey.

Facts about Leprechauns*

2010-03-15T06:00:00.001-04:00

*Believe it or not, yet another batch of lesser known and entirely fabricated "facts" about Leprechauns, (will it never end?!?) This time, based on accounts from the fifth entry into the Leprechaun film saga, Leprechaun 5: In tha Hood!

1. Leprechauns are “the dark elves of Satan" and the gold is the ransom for their freedom.

2. According to “Leprechauns for Dummies,” A leprechaun can temporarily lose his power if he’s hit with the "essence" of a four-leaf clover. (What does "essence" mean? Well, mix it in with his pot! Because, well, see number 3.)

3. Leprechauns smoke a lot of pot. (I mean BALES of it!)

4. Scientific formula: "Douche + lubricant = combustability. Combustibility + electricity = flammability." However, leprechauns are apparently “hygiene-product chemical fires”-proof. (During the course of this film, this formula was tested and proven with success during a practical application. I DON'T WRITE THIS SHIT!!!)

5. Leprechauns can turn anyone into green-eyed zombie disciples by touching their forehead. And THEN call them into action by saying, “From the depths of the netherworld I summon you - My zombie fly girls!” ("Fly" girls?)

6. Leprechauns are natural rappers. (Don't believe me? See for yourself!)

Lyrics to "Lep in the Hood"

"I come from the land of the Irish spring
Dublin's the place where I learned my thing
From the Emerald Isle to your place in the hood
I'm the man of green come to do no good

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good
Lep in the Hood, come to do no good

Plenteous dope, this place is hype
There's a lassie, she's just my type
I hate to resort so soon to magic
Haven't been laid in so long it's tragic

I'm so bad, I'm good

I'll show you what to do, so lend an ear
Don't worry, little lassie, you've got nothing to fear
Sit with the lad who's lean and green
And let me show you why I'm a love machine

Come to do no good

I'm a wee green guy who's new to town
Show me what you do when you get down
I'll do up, you go down
We'll cause a scene, you'll love the green

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good
Lep in the Hood, when we're bad, we're good

From the cliffs of Moher to your front door
Better turn out the lights and pray some more
We're gonna party through the night until the dawn
Then you and I are gonna get it on.

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good
Lep in the Hood ...

Come to do no good."

Going Green...

2010-03-14T09:20:00.005-04:00

Going Green, AKA, recycling, is today's angle. In an effort to publish a non-Leprechaun Movie posting for today, and I am not quite ready for "Luck of the Irish, part 2," I opted to recycle one of my older posts that seemed relevant to St. Patrick's day.

Sláinte!

'Twere A coupla years ago, back when the missus and I still lived in beautiful downtown Lynn, Massachusetts, (read with sarcasm for proper effect,) I found myself on the stir-crazy side of bored one Saturday night. Cheryl had already retired for the evening, and I decided to go out for a drink or two. I figured I’d head down to the only "real" Irish pub in Lynn, a city renowned for its multi-cultural citizenry. It was about 11:ish, the joint was kinda crowded, and there was a guy with a mullet doing Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” on karaoke, (but in fairness, he wasn'tthat bad...) Not my preferred scene but 'twas better'n nothing.

Yeah, that's what passes for an Irish pub in Lynn at 11:PM on a Saturday night.

In any case, at the bar I met a man from Dublin who said he hadn't had a drink in about three years. I offered to buy a round as he MUST'VE been parched, right? He said he quit drinking Guinness because ever since Ireland put a ban on smoking in the pubs, there was nothing to mask the smell of, and I'm quoting, mind you, "Guinness farts."

As this was a new term to me, my teacher's mind sought clarification.

Apparently, people go home from work in Ireland, get a bite to eat and head down the pub nightly, as it is the social epicenter of any community.

In the pubs, the patrons would imbibe in their typical evening refreshment; a pint or two of the black. Not long into the evening, the Guinness would, uh, accentuate the fragrance of the earlier evening's meal's odorous by-product in that confined space. It was only not too long ago, that the cigarette smoke would overpower that bouquet and all would be fine. Nowadays, however, with the ban on smoking, there is no longer a convincing, convenient, and accepted atmospheric shroud to hide the telltale evidence of the prior repast. This resulting aroma was the reason Paul from Dublin claims he chose to quit the pubs and drinking altogether.

But the question remains: Does Dublin Paul’s claim hold water? With the smoking ban in Ireland, did the pubs become suddenly noticeably, and possibly intolerably stinky? And is Guinness to blame? Or was this tea-totaling barfly, “Paul” simply full o'shit?

I often wonder.

Facts about Leprechauns*

2010-03-13T16:05:00.007-05:00

Still more lesser-known and entirely fabricated facts about Leprechauns, this time based on accounts from that “classic” entry into the Leprechaun film saga, Leprechaun 4: In Space!

Our titular villain is somehow on a distant planet, and antagonizing the local populace. He is never referred to as a Leprechaun, by himself or others, simply as the alien. (But WE know what he truly is!) And these are some (more,) of the things we have learned about leprechauns.

1. Leprechauns are capable of interstellar travel, but will explode if out in space unprotected. (Yes, explode. I know, I know! Look! I didn't write this pile sh... I mean, I am only reporting on what I watched.)

2. If someone urinates on an exploded leprechaun’s corpse, his spirit can travel up that urine stream, and he will birth himself from that person’s penis during an awkward moment of intimacy. (Okay, this made me REALLY uncomfortable to watch this. It is offensive to me as both a viewer of the film and as the owner of a penis! A total "UGH" moment.)

3. Leprechauns talk to themselves... A lot. (I know, this is usually a device to move a plot, and to inform the viewers of the characters thoughts, but a. this movie doesn't really have much of a plot, b. the main character doesn't have much along the lines of thoughts, and c. I doubt that the movie has all that many viewers!)

4. Leprechauns are terrible shots with laser pistols. (Go figure.)

5. Leprechauns are capable of of bodily possession, shape-shifting, mimicry, teleportation, resurrection, telekinesis, force field generation, and energy beams. (But can't do anything to avoid getting sucked out an airlock, (how original,) and can't hit shit with a pistol. Talk about selective skills sets!)

Proof that even a nasty dwarf with a THAT face can score a babe, (and being a "space-babe" she is, of course, scantily clad.)

One additional comment: Good God, people! If you ever get the chance to see this movie, by all that you hold dear, DON’T!

Luck of the Irish

2010-03-11T06:00:00.003-05:00

I am not a superstitious man. As I have mentioned in many previous posts, I am skeptic. And do not believe in invisible powers guiding my hand, choosing my path, or influencing my life in any way.

That said, I also realize that I have been wrong in the past, and it pays to err on the side of caution. My solution: A good luck charm.

I have been carrying a seven-sided 50 pence piece around with me, everyday for about 15 years. It has been my de facto lucky coin, simply by default.

Well, I recently got greedy and decided to upgrade. It has been accepted that a coin minted in the year of your birth is considered a lucky coin, and so, I decided to seek out a coin from Ireland from 1965, (Yeah, I know, I’m old.)

So, with a blind optimism, and anticipating an experiment, I scoured the ol' Interweb.

I found a swell ’65 Irish Florin, (or 2 shilling piece.) It was nice and cost me hardly anything. I ordered it and was prepared for my fortune to finally improve.

I distinctly remember it arriving in the mail. ‘Twas a bit smaller than my fifty pence piece, but it had a salmon on it, and since that is also considered a symbol of knowledge, I just KNEW that this was a good idea.

When my new acquisition arrived, I was three days into my February vacation. I decided to celebrate my impending good luck with a wee drop or two of the Paddy, (a Cork product, after all,) as any semblance of A.M. accountability wasn’t due for several days.

Here’s to optimism!

Well, that was back in February. And for the life of me, I have no idea where I left that coin. The following morning, and everyday since, I have searched this house, stem to stern, without any sign of the Florin! (At this point, I would to ask that anyone reading this, please spare me the “evils of the drink,” sermons, that is WAY too obvious.)

But since it first arrived right up until this very posting, my luck has gone from bad to worse to absolute shite.

Immediately upon the conclusion of my vacation, my day job seemed to expand in its expectations of me, the best of intentions invariably found me in deep doo-doo, and my debit card somehow and for the first time ever in my life, went missing, of course, at an extremely inopportune time.

The absolute kicker, though, the straw that broke it, was the traumatic discovery that my favorite beer in the whole wide world, Beamish, will no longer be imported to the U.S. (And of course, I discovered this little piece of soul-crushing info much too late to go out and stock up on it! "Cold turkey!")

Again, I am not one given to supernatural ideas. I am a pragmatic, logical individual. But I fear there must be some connection.

Logically speaking, it could ONLY have been the arrival and subsequent loss of this coin that turned my fortune into millery shash, and thusly tarnished my optimism.

It was obvious that there is only one course of action: find this coin. My frantic search continues.

After finding it, if there isn’t a immediate turn of events, luck-wise, I may have to destroy it entirely! (Although, if there are any options that I am overlooking, please let me know!!!)

I admit, not believing in the supernatural, or charms, or any of that junk, I fear I am out of my depth on this. I welcome any advice on the matter. Thank you.

It is so ironic that finding this coin would require a great deal of luck, and if I had any good luck, I wouldn't need to find this coin so badly!

To be continued...

Facts about Leprechauns*

2010-03-10T06:00:00.003-05:00

Ever more lesser known, (and highly questionable,) facts about Leprechauns, This time based entirely on accounts from the second Leprechaun sequel, Leprechaun 3.

Set in Las Vegas, the laughing, green, killer-munchkin is surrounded by the greedy, and reveals even more about his type than anyone really cares to know...

1. If a mortal get hold of a Leprechaun’s gold, he will be granted one wish for each shilling, (or about $1100.00 per ounce!)

2. Leprechaun shit is green. (No. I am serious. It is in this movie! To quote: "A little token of my esteem, it is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily, at exactly 9'O Clock. It comes from my chilaney, you can keep it in a crock!" Everyone should have their own little shit poem.)

3. Leprechaun blood is green. (But then, of course it is!)

4. If a mortal gets leprechaun blood mixed with their own, they will in turn become a leprechaun, (just like vampires and werewolves, I guess. I smell a new Twilight!)

5. Leprechauns can only be killed be by destroying the leprechaun’s gold, (but then, what was that about 4-leaf clovers? Or that whole wrought iron-thing?)

"Ah, Tank ye, Tank ye very much!"

A Mother's Prayer

2010-03-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

My mother was very proud of her Irish heritage, and she was insistent in passing that tradition on to her children. In fact, she used to take all six of us kids into Boston for Irish Step Dancing lessons every Saturday morning.
Even back then, it was rarely a pleasant trip and I recall one Saturday, we were running quite late. Upon arrival, there wasn’t a single parking spot anywhere to be found and my mother was getting nervous.

“Dear God,” she quickly prayed, “if you find me a parking spot I will give $100.00 in the collection plate tomorrow morning at Mass!”

Just then, almost miraculously, a car pulled out to leave right in front of us.

“Never mind, Lord,” she quickly added, “I found one myself.”

Facts about Leprechauns*

2010-03-07T06:00:00.006-05:00

As I had mentioned previously, there is NO shortage of films in this series. Warwick Davis returns as that lovable, homicidal, folkloric icon in "Leprechaun 2."

The following list of "facts", comes from this first sequel, (although not completely consistent with the previous list.)

1. Leprechauns can live for thousands of years and will take mortals as slaves.

2. A leprechaun can possess any woman if she sneezes three times and no one says, "God bless you!" (She sneezes once, she sneezes twice. She'll be mine when she sneezes thrice!")

And obviously, still speak in Underdog-like rhyme.

3. A leprechaun can turn invisible. (This must be why they are so damned hard to catch!)

4. Leprechauns can use their shillelaghs, (walking stick/cudgel,) as both a compass AND a 'Gold Detector!" (Screw the pot of gold coins! You catch one of these guys, take the stick!)

5. A Leprechaun can only be killed by wrought iron. (I know what I said in the previous list! But this is the updated facts list!)

So, there you are. "The more you know," "forewarned is forearmed," and various other appropriate summations to be inserted here!