The Best Defense...

"Defensive Driving” is fine and dandy for some, but if you live in a higher population density area,

like I do, you get a lot more total a-holes on the road, and frankly, defensive driving and polite roadway etiquette is not always possible, (Mother Theresa would be flipping someone the bird if she drove through my old neighborhood!)

So, it just makes sense that SOME ‘reactions’ should be permitted by law. Not ‘Road Rage’ incidents, just simple causality.

Here now, is my list of SUGGESTED responses to assorted traffic infractions.

Y'know, thinking it through, if everybody responded to bad-driving scenarios like this, incidents of such poor road practices would probably decrease, thereby making a safer driving experience for us, and our children.

And don't the children deserve it?

Sponsored by the Chris Toler for President Campaign

Photo Safari: St. Patrick's Day

The fourth installment of my Photo Safari Series finds me in Boston on St. Patrick's Day, if only for a coupla' hours.

Right off that bat, it needs to be said that I, too, was out there.

AND I was dressed in green, AND I wore my Irish Tri-Color Converse All Stars.

Everyone out there, in their over the top green attire was there to celebrate and have fun.

There. Now may I PLEASE begin mocking!?! Thank you.

We began our St. Paddy's Day Safari in the Quincy Market/Faneuil Hall area of Boston with original hopes of tossing a few coin over the bar at The Black Rose pub. These hopes were choked-out with the reality that The Black Rose was charging the stupidly exploitive price of $30.00 for a cover charge! Yeah! That's just to get in!

Feck that!

And there, like a big, beaming, green & white beacon in the darkness of our rejection; an angel of hope In the foreground...

And like a starter pistol, The Safari was on!

If Dark Colors Are Slenderizing...

...than the opposite is easy enough to prove, right?

Quick! Try to see where the pasty, pale-white legs end and the tights of the same color begin!

That tiny, little hat doesn't help the look, either.

Hey! We Got Green Beer in Here!

Yup. Drunk guys trying to pick up chicks from the back of rented stretch limo Hummers with promises of alcohol isn't limited to Ft. Lauderdale!

I wish him all the luck in the world!

Get Yer Green Shit Here!

Respect!

As I was exploiting the revelers with my camera, so was this "businessman" looking to turn a profit. He looked about as Irish as Tony Soprano, but hey! A job's a job.

I'd tip my big, green, floppy, stupid-looking, cat-in-the-hat hat to you, sir, if I had one.

How much?

Generic Punters

Speaking of floppy hats...

We find an oasis in the form of a $5.00-cover-charge-bar to wet our parched whistles. This was just a random selection of patrons and their headwear.

Chicks Dig Guys in Kilts

Outside, music was starting, and Boston Firefighters Pipe and Drum were, uh, "warming up."

The Green Derby Crowd Loves Us!

In the midst of Quincy Market and a throng of mass-produced, party-store novelty chapeaus, another band was in full swing.

Also among this band's audience was a real, live leprechaun, some chick in bright green stockings checking me out as I took her picture, and the bedazzling new technicolor uniform of

the Salvation Army's Special Forces.

And this year's Winner of the Brightest Shoes in the World award...

Cheers!

Decisions, Decisions...

Even MORE Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

With little to no gumption, (that's right! I said the word "gumption,") to write anything new, with no new entries into The Technophobes Illustrated Dictionary, no new collection of "Random Thoughts" ready to go, and no new "Decisions, Decisions" to make, I decided to get my lazy on and give a second, (maybe third,) shot at visibility to a few old PhotoShop pieces once again.

Originally appearing in the blog posting, "Island of the Damned" I decided to share the news of my love affair with Miss Ginger Grant to the world with this one.

Keep yer Mary Ann! I like 'em a just little whorier...

Always On My Mind... And, uh, Arm

Used as a pop-up illustration for a cocktail, (named The Ginger Grant,) in my OTHER blog, Greatest Drink in The World... This Week.

Hey, nice guns!

Don't call me Honky!

Me when I was the original Tom Willis from television's The Jeffersons.

Possible candidate for the next installment of my "Artificial Memories" collection.

The Nutty Irishman

Another pop-up illustration from my drinks blog. This one an illustration from the Home-Made Liqueurs series.

Lucky, Me Arse!

My response to an only-somewhat-justified stereotyping comment from last March's Luck of the Irish.

Again, probably made when hungry.

That's it for now. I've got some time that needs killin'...

Identity Crisis

What the hell is this?

Now I am an "Ophiuchus?" Yeah, THAT really rolls off the tongue.

So apparently, there is a brand new Zodiac sign. And unlike those folks that got shifted to a neighboring sign, (and, I guess, a whole new horoscope!) I get saddled with this new one.

True, I am not sure if the whole Sagittarius thing was working for me, anyways. The horoscopes were turning out to be straight-up bulljack as far as I was concerned, and had me condemning the whole theory of "star-signs" as utter malarkey.

Now, I am not so sure.

Moreover, I don't know if I WILL be sure until I know the attributes of this new Ophiuchy-thingy.

Are my fellow "Serpent-bearers" and I supposedly skeptical? If so, maybe I am right in condemning this stuff. But if we are supposed to be more open-minded, (or gullible,) well, perhaps I will have to reconsider this zodiac stuff!

But what about all those years of being LIED to about being a Sagittarius? Is "indignant" among my new attributes as a "Serpentarius?" Maybe I have the tendency to become violent at the clusterfuck of misinformation that was fed to me for so long! Perhaps we Ophiuchans are tireless in our pursuit of justice and litigious in said pursuit!

Oh heads will roll.

Maybe.

Just wait 'til I find out how I am gonna react. Some potentially serious shit might possibly hit a fan.

Just like that time when I lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

Crosby's Journal

Crosby’s Journal: January 13, 2011

It would appear that table scraps, AKA “people food,” might be a bit more difficult to acquire with my new family.

The woman seems to be weakening,

succumbing to the power of

“the eyes,” but the big, bald one, the man, he seems to be immune to it.

Today he actually ate a meat sandwich in

front of me. A soulful, longing glance and a forced tummy rumbling only got me a sincere word about my safety should I attempt to take some. I believe this to be true.

At one point, he dropped a piece of what I can only assume was salami or some type of pimento loaf.

I was certain that once it hit the floor, it was “dog’s domain.”

However, it never hit the floor. Like a giant, bald mongoose, the man grabbed the errant meat in mid-air and returned it to his sandwich.

I should have guessed from looking at him that this man never let any piece of his meal escape him.

The woman is my only chance.

C

Crosby's Journal

Crosby's Journal: January 2, 2010

In an effort for better understanding, the man has endeavored to teach me some of his language.

So far, I am able to understand the words "sit," "come," "paw," and "down" in their native tongue.

In exchange, I am teaching my new humans some key words in MY language. As of this writing, I am consistently able to express the phrases "I need to go peeps," and "I need to go doosies," (very similar to the untrained eye/ear, but they appear to grasp the hidden nuances.)

I am confident that we will have meaningful conversations within the month.

This said, the phrase, "Can I have a bite of that sandwich?" seems to be a difficult one for the Man to grasp.

My lessons continue.

C

Crosby's Journal

Crosby's Journal: Christmas Day, 2010

Big day!

For Christmas I got a new home and new people.

They came with a new yard, neighborhood and even a pick-up truck!

But the best is the food. It really makes my bum taste great!

C

Crosby's Journal: December 27, 2010

BLIZZARD!!!

This "snow" stuff can be a lot of fun, but for future reference: When going for peeps, find shallower snow, or grow longer legs.

Wow! My pee-pee is cold!

C

Merry Elfin' Christmas, 2010

from Chris & Cheryl

An Illustrated Christmas Wish List

Black Friday: The busiest shopping day of the year!

Christmas is fast approaching, and, considerate me, I am helping out folks by publishing my own Christmas "Wish List!"

Y'know, many times I've been told that people find me difficult to shop for. Bah! Fools!

BUT last year when people asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said only two things: 1) for someone else to finish my Christmas shopping for me, or 2) a cap and vest combination like those worn by the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz.

Cool threads, Niko!

Incidentally, I got neither.

So, this year, I am offering up a number of options: The following is a list of items SO DAMNED COOL that they would make awesome gifts.

Yes. Another "Attic P.S.A."

1. The Shining Cuckoo Clock!

This was the impetus for this posting! On the hour, Jack tears through the wall and shouts "Here's Johnny!" and Shelley Duvall screams!

Oh Em Gee! I SO f'in' want this!

2. A Ton-Ton Sleeping Bag

The inside even looks like guts!

NERD ALERT, NERD ALERT!!! (A familiarity with "The Empire Strikes Back" is needed to understand this.)

3. The COOLEST Lunchbox in the Whole Wide World!!!

The thermos cap even has a head on it! Seriously!

4. A Corkscrew You Don't F* With

Think twice before bitching about the vintage.

5. The Absolute King of Condiments!

What would I put this on? What WOULDN'T I put this on!

And in that convenient squeeze bottle to get to my arteries all the quicker!

"Squeez Bacon: Its what for dinner!"

Any one of these items would make my holiday season all the damned Merrier!

Thank you in advance,

Chris

Hidden Images

Those graphic designers are sneaky bastards! (Oh, I said it!)

Often, they will sneak in a hidden image into an otherwise innocent logo for a private joke.

This brief collection will illustrate just what I mean...

Yeah, this first one is really sneaky! Try to see it as one person instead of two!

Ah HAH!

With the name, "A-Style," I am not sure that this one isn't intentional!

Okay, this is just silly! How did they NOT see that?!?

Ouch. Very, VERY unfortunate logo here.

This one is just great. I just look at it and laugh!

A more immature mind would have seen the flaw in this design.

Another incredibly unfortunate design, especially given that it is a priest, (but in fairness, this design came out decades before that whole "clergy scandal"-thing.)

And my all time favorite...

Awesome!

By the way, if you have a difficult time seeing the hidden design in the above logo, or in any of the logos shown here, then congratulations! You are a better person than me...

(...Not like that is a high bar or anything.)