Facts about Leprechauns*

*Believe it or not, yet another batch of lesser known and entirely fabricated "facts" about Leprechauns, (will it never end?!?) This time, based on accounts from the fifth entry into the Leprechaun film saga, Leprechaun 5: In tha Hood!

1. Leprechauns are “the dark elves of Satan" and the gold is the ransom for their freedom.

2. According to “Leprechauns for Dummies,” A leprechaun can temporarily lose his power if he’s hit with the "essence" of a four-leaf clover. (What does "essence" mean? Well, mix it in with his pot! Because, well, see number 3.)

3. Leprechauns smoke a lot of pot. (I mean BALES of it!)

4. Scientific formula: "Douche + lubricant = combustability. Combustibility + electricity = flammability." However, leprechauns are apparently “hygiene-product chemical fires”-proof. (During the course of this film, this formula was tested and proven with success during a practical application. I DON'T WRITE THIS SHIT!!!)

5. Leprechauns can turn anyone into green-eyed zombie disciples by touching their forehead. And THEN call them into action by saying, “From the depths of the netherworld I summon you - My zombie fly girls!” ("Fly" girls?)

6. Leprechauns are natural rappers. (Don't believe me? See for yourself!)

Lyrics to "Lep in the Hood"

"I come from the land of the Irish spring
Dublin's the place where I learned my thing
From the Emerald Isle to your place in the hood
I'm the man of green come to do no good

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good
Lep in the Hood, come to do no good

Plenteous dope, this place is hype
There's a lassie, she's just my type
I hate to resort so soon to magic
Haven't been laid in so long it's tragic

I'm so bad, I'm good

I'll show you what to do, so lend an ear
Don't worry, little lassie, you've got nothing to fear
Sit with the lad who's lean and green
And let me show you why I'm a love machine

Come to do no good

I'm a wee green guy who's new to town
Show me what you do when you get down
I'll do up, you go down
We'll cause a scene, you'll love the green

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good
Lep in the Hood, when we're bad, we're good

From the cliffs of Moher to your front door
Better turn out the lights and pray some more
We're gonna party through the night until the dawn
Then you and I are gonna get it on.

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good

Lep in the Hood, come to do no good
Lep in the Hood ...

Come to do no good."

Facts about Leprechauns*

Still more lesser-known and entirely fabricated facts about Leprechauns, this time based on accounts from that “classic” entry into the Leprechaun film saga, Leprechaun 4: In Space!

Our titular villain is somehow on a distant planet, and antagonizing the local populace. He is never referred to as a Leprechaun, by himself or others, simply as the alien. (But WE know what he truly is!) And these are some (more,) of the things we have learned about leprechauns.

1. Leprechauns are capable of interstellar travel, but will explode if out in space unprotected. (Yes, explode. I know, I know! Look! I didn't write this pile sh... I mean, I am only reporting on what I watched.)

2. If someone urinates on an exploded leprechaun’s corpse, his spirit can travel up that urine stream, and he will birth himself from that person’s penis during an awkward moment of intimacy. (Okay, this made me REALLY uncomfortable to watch this. It is offensive to me as both a viewer of the film and as the owner of a penis! A total "UGH" moment.)

3. Leprechauns talk to themselves... A lot. (I know, this is usually a device to move a plot, and to inform the viewers of the characters thoughts, but a. this movie doesn't really have much of a plot, b. the main character doesn't have much along the lines of thoughts, and c. I doubt that the movie has all that many viewers!)

4. Leprechauns are terrible shots with laser pistols. (Go figure.)

5. Leprechauns are capable of of bodily possession, shape-shifting, mimicry, teleportation, resurrection, telekinesis, force field generation, and energy beams. (But can't do anything to avoid getting sucked out an airlock, (how original,) and can't hit shit with a pistol. Talk about selective skills sets!)

Proof that even a nasty dwarf with a THAT face can score a babe, (and being a "space-babe" she is, of course, scantily clad.)

One additional comment: Good God, people! If you ever get the chance to see this movie, by all that you hold dear, DON’T!

Facts about Leprechauns*

Ever more lesser known, (and highly questionable,) facts about Leprechauns, This time based entirely on accounts from the second Leprechaun sequel, Leprechaun 3.

Set in Las Vegas, the laughing, green, killer-munchkin is surrounded by the greedy, and reveals even more about his type than anyone really cares to know...

1. If a mortal get hold of a Leprechaun’s gold, he will be granted one wish for each shilling, (or about $1100.00 per ounce!)

2. Leprechaun shit is green. (No. I am serious. It is in this movie! To quote: "A little token of my esteem, it is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily, at exactly 9'O Clock. It comes from my chilaney, you can keep it in a crock!" Everyone should have their own little shit poem.)

3. Leprechaun blood is green. (But then, of course it is!)

4. If a mortal gets leprechaun blood mixed with their own, they will in turn become a leprechaun, (just like vampires and werewolves, I guess. I smell a new Twilight!)

5. Leprechauns can only be killed be by destroying the leprechaun’s gold, (but then, what was that about 4-leaf clovers? Or that whole wrought iron-thing?)

"Ah, Tank ye, Tank ye very much!"

Facts about Leprechauns*

As I had mentioned previously, there is NO shortage of films in this series. Warwick Davis returns as that lovable, homicidal, folkloric icon in "Leprechaun 2."

The following list of "facts", comes from this first sequel, (although not completely consistent with the previous list.)

1. Leprechauns can live for thousands of years and will take mortals as slaves.

2. A leprechaun can possess any woman if she sneezes three times and no one says, "God bless you!" (She sneezes once, she sneezes twice. She'll be mine when she sneezes thrice!")

And obviously, still speak in Underdog-like rhyme.

3. A leprechaun can turn invisible. (This must be why they are so damned hard to catch!)

4. Leprechauns can use their shillelaghs, (walking stick/cudgel,) as both a compass AND a 'Gold Detector!" (Screw the pot of gold coins! You catch one of these guys, take the stick!)

5. A Leprechaun can only be killed by wrought iron. (I know what I said in the previous list! But this is the updated facts list!)

So, there you are. "The more you know," "forewarned is forearmed," and various other appropriate summations to be inserted here!

Facts about Leprechauns*

During the Seventeen Days of Saint Patrick, I decided to offer up a public service called "Facts About Leprechauns."

Very little is actually known about these symbols of Irish folklore. So, in an effort to educate anyone with an interest, I decided to do some research and watched all six movies in the Warwick Davis "Leprechaun" series. It was from this source, (*and this source alone, mind you,) that the following list of facts was compiled.

Facts About Leprechauns, (according to the movie "Leprechaun.")

1. A four leaf clover is like Kryptonite to a leprechaun. (Or garlic to a vampire, silver to a werewolf, Southwest Airline "coach" seating to Kevin Smith... You get the idea.)

2. Leprechauns are addicted to gold and, apparently, shining shoes. (I mean, junkie-addicted! You throw a leprechaun a scuffed Oxford and he will abandon all else until that baby sparkles!)

3. Leprechauns possess highly developed powers of mimicry, (and can imitate Jennifer Anniston perfectly!)

4. If a leprechaun loses a body part, (like a hand, for example,) the severed part retains animation as well as intelligence and re-attaches to the leprechaun with just brief pressure. (Which is damned convenient!)

5. Leprechauns speak in rhyme, like Underdog, almost constantly, (or, as they more appropriately say in the Latin, "ad nauseum!")

You see? There is so much we can learn from the wee folk.

Leprechaun Day

S’funny how a positive learning experience can grow from an annoyance sometimes...

Lemme ‘splain.

As I had written in a previous posting, 

(http://chrissvirtualattic.blogspot.com/2009/03/irish-lessons.html) only two brief months ago, mine is a family deeply entrenched in our Irish roots. My grandparents were off the boat and our ties back to Ireland are strong. From the point when each of the six of us, (my siblings and I,) could walk, we were taking Irish Step Dancing lessons. We competed in many the feis, (or dance competitions,) and Oireachtas, (or Irish festival with competitions in dance, music, etc.) and, through our agent, Jo Ahern, we were available for booking as The Toler Irish Step Dancers, guaranteed to add a touch of authenticity to your March 17th celebration. (I personally competed in a dance competition in Ireland back in 1974!) 

Our house was a stop-over point for our Irish relatives, of whom there appeared to be more than there were local ones! They could always find a bed, a meal, and a welcome stay whenever in the U.S.

So, as one may imagine, Saint Patrick’s Day was always big. The boiled dinner, the home-made Irish bread, and lots of song and dance. 

Last year, however, about late February/early March, I was in one of those party supply stores getting some things for my wife’s birthday, (March 26; What a good husband!) when I heard a child call to his mother; “Mom! Look! For Leprechaun’s Day!” I froze. I wanted to go, er, “educate” the child, (I wanted to educate the living daylights outta him, frankly.) I also really wanted to chastise his mother for perpetuating this bastardization of a cultural celebration. “Why so sensitive,” you ask? GLAD YOU ASK! Because I just knew, I was simply sure, that this kid went to a school where some student’s mother said, “What?!? Celebrating a SAINT’s day!?! In a public school!?! I think not!” and the knee-jerk reaction to placate some parent with a lawyer on speed-dial was change the name of the day! ‘We’ll let the kids wear green plastic derbies and shamrock pins. We can still celebrate the Irish, but we’ll call it “Leprechaun Day,” and no one will notice.’  

I just knew this is what happened. 

The above tirade was in the process of being written, (with far more explicit and bileful expletives,) for this recent St. Patrick’s Day’s posting, when I decided to first do some research, (I do enjoy research. Is that strange?)

So, I Googled “Leprechaun Day,” and I’ll be a monk’s uncle if there isn’t one! True, the majority of references were those of the culturally-challenged committing a great disservice to Ireland's patron saint by re-titling his feast day with this child-friendly, (yet religiously indistinct,) moniker, BUT a number of different sites acknowledge a difference between the two days and list May 13th, (which is this coming Wednesday, for those not near a calender,) as dedicated to Ireland’s wee folk. 

As there were no cited origins, and no ways of celebrating suggested, I am inclined to believe this is just a manufactured grade school holiday.  

BUT WHO CARES!!! A holiday is a holiday, right! So, to all of you looking for an excuse to “Irish up” your morning coffee, boil the color out of some dinner, and blast The Dropkick Murphys until you're shittin' green; here ya go! CHEERS! 

 And if anyone complains, tell them not to try to stifle your cultural heritage! Educate ‘em! It’s “Leprechaun Day,” fer Chrissake!

One Day in County Cork...

A couple of years ago, the Mrs. and I were visiting my family in Ireland. My family comes from a very rural neck of the country out among the peninsulas in the southwest of County Cork, with lots of rolling hills, green pastures and wide open spaces.

Well, one day, we were on a long drive deep in the countryside, when I spied him out of the corner of my eye: a real-life leprechaun. Folk-tales and myths no longer, I witnessed one of the Emerald Isle's elusive "Little People" with my very own peepers!

Now everyone knows the stories of Leprechauns and pots of gold, and I was no different. I, too, had grown up with these tales, so I decided to set about catching him for his gold.

I sprinted from the car after the diminutive character with the charge of a human-formed rhinoceros, with little to no stealth among my, let's face it, generous frame. The clever folkloric icon must've realized what I was after from the steely glint of determination in my eyes, and decided to bolt. As I watched him begin his evasive maneuvers, I was sure these techniques must have been the same ones that eluded many the greedy, gold-focused mortals of centuries past. Surprisingly, I was able to overtake him fairly early in the chase, my height and leg length obviously compensating for my lack of familiarity with actual running. My stride proved too great a challenge for his stubby, little leprechaun legs.

After capturing the elfin quasi-human, I got straight to my demands; No chatter or how-do-you-dos. That was probably the undoing of a less single-minded fortune hunter or two in the past. He was very reluctant to surrender his gold to me after I caught him, but after a few well-placed belts in his little Gaelic breadbasket, he wised up and got the message. He paid up toot-sweet then, I can tell you, but his "gold" only amounted to about 24 Euro. A bit disappointing, true, but better than nothing, right? And I had earned it. How many people can say that they actually encountered an allegedly mythical entity and bested it at its own game? My victory was pretty complete.


My wife, Cheryl, tells me that I had actually mugged a midget with red hair that day, but what does she know? She's not even Irish…