Surviving In A Post-'Zombie Apocalypse' World

A lot has been discussed on surviving the forthcoming Zombie Apocalypse. But let's face it, very few people will live. You and I are statistically far more likely to join the ranks of the undead than to find ourselves holed-up in a barricaded Walmart somewhere.

So, let's look at it from there.

Survival for a zombie is no picnic either. Consider other zombies: What was once a threat to your life is now competition for an ever dwindling food supply! To succeed in the ambling afterlife, one needs a plan. Therefore, I'm putting together a little kit for when the inevitable veil of walking death does start slip over me.

The average zombie is one of thousands, possibly millions.

How does one survive among so many and where everything else is faster and smarter than you? Planning ahead, that's how!

Think of an average zombie as a "standard package." That's swell, but for an edge, we wanna go with options!

1. Let's Talk Footwear!

Zombies spend a lot of time on their feet. A shoe with some arch-support might be able to provide a quicker, smoother gait for our future selves on the other side of the curtain of life. (I recommend some nice P.F. Flyers!)

Also, once I join the legions of the living dead, that quieter sole means I might be able to surprise some tasty morsel unawares!

2. The Best Defense!

Everybody knows you can only kill a zombie by destroying the brain. As an animated, cannibalistic corpse, a nice kevlar military helmet might just give me the edge when some human remnant with a Remington is defending his family in a clock tower. Just the type of common sense a zombie would use... if it could think.

3. A Good Offense!

Y'know, in every zombie movie that I have ever seen, someone gets grabbed by the walking dead, yet manages to pull away. The hands just simply aren't lethal enough.

So, to extend my grip and punch up the lethality of my future, undead grab, my kit will include a knife-tipped "Nightmare on Elm Street"-style of glove for my left hand that could turn the "one that got away" into "one that got only-a-little-bit away!"

Those unfortunate souls should still be pretty warm by the time I sit down to snack on them!

And finally...

4. What the heck? Hedge the bets!

Someone might believe it.

I mean, there may very well be some people so desperate and alone that they may actually believe I am faking my condition of zombism, and welcome me with open arms. By the time they can see that I am actually deceased, they should be well within my bite range and I feed again.

So, there you go. Oh, sure, I will try to stay alive as long as possible, just like everyone else, but if I get bitten, or injured and I feel myself starting to fade, I am slipping on my gear. If I am destined to be a flesh-eating ghoul, I will be the best damned flesh-eating ghoul that I can be!

Worse-Case Scenario Zombies

So, I'm sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my sister, Kerry, discussing certain tropical, rum-based cocktails, (but I won’t elaborate on those here, that is for the OTHER blog!), when Kerry tells me how she enjoys a really good Zombie. And that right there was all it took to kick-start my mind down a tangental path from which there is little hope of return. With Halloween looming on the horizon, I started thinking about the WORST possible zombies, and I don’t mean the the drink!

Now it is a known fact that Zombism can affect anyone, right? More specifically, anyone with a human brain. And all zombies are bad for you. But, as we have seen time and again, some zombies are much meaner and harder to destroy than others.

It is with this in mind that I compiled this brief, (but illustrated!) list of what I think could be zombie worst-case scenarios!

1. Edward Scissorhands.

This is really a no brainer. His gentle, tortured-soul demeanor gone, those snippers are now Freddy Kruger-ish skull can-openers!

“A little off the top?”

2. The Six Flags Guy. Already one creepy, little, troll-like creature, a taste for human flesh would really round out this character nicely. You know, now that I think about it, I am not certain that he isn’t already a zombie.

3. Sally Kellerman. I am sorry. For some reason, Sally Kellerman’s name always pops into my head for this type of thing. You can disregard this one and I’ll throw another on the list to make up for it. But still, I’d hate to run into her, dead or alive.

4. Yoda. Would a Jedi Master retain his ability to use the force after zombification? Would this constitute crossing over to the dark side? An angry, little undead Yoda would kinda look like a gremlin, wouldn’t he?

5. Cookie Monster.

At first, this might seem funny since Cookie Monster has no teeth, (from years of a steady diet of chocolate chips cookies, no doubt!), but never forget his capacity for gluttony! The damned bastard might ever swallow you whole! Digested to death by an undead muppet is not a pretty way to go...

6. Mayor McCheese.

When you have a massive cheeseburger for a head, you hear lots of “Eat me” jokes. Turn those tables and you get a beefy zombie with a serious axe to grind! The only way to disable a zombie requires damaging the brain? Well good luck finding it in this sandwich-headed politician’s five-foot-diameter noggin.

Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce...

And lastly...

7. Chuck Norris.

Dead or alive, Chuck is badder than you. In fact, Chuck is the baddest Mofo on either side of the curtain of life. And Zombie Chuck can and will beat you down, humiliate you, eat your brains with a soup ladle, and then make you offer him seconds!

Well, that's all I've got for now. But this list is far from comprehensive. These are just the first seven that came to mind, the blatantly obvious ones. Please feel free to list others in the comments section below!

Bonus Zombie Survival Tip: When running to escape a horde of Zombies, it is ideal to be running with two friends; one who is a little bit faster than you and one who is slower. The faster one will be the first if you run into more zombies ahead, and the slower one, well, just don't let him carry the keys...