Surviving In A Post-'Zombie Apocalypse' World

A lot has been discussed on surviving the forthcoming Zombie Apocalypse. But let's face it, very few people will live. You and I are statistically far more likely to join the ranks of the undead than to find ourselves holed-up in a barricaded Walmart somewhere.

So, let's look at it from there.

Survival for a zombie is no picnic either. Consider other zombies: What was once a threat to your life is now competition for an ever dwindling food supply! To succeed in the ambling afterlife, one needs a plan. Therefore, I'm putting together a little kit for when the inevitable veil of walking death does start slip over me.

The average zombie is one of thousands, possibly millions.

How does one survive among so many and where everything else is faster and smarter than you? Planning ahead, that's how!

Think of an average zombie as a "standard package." That's swell, but for an edge, we wanna go with options!

1. Let's Talk Footwear!

Zombies spend a lot of time on their feet. A shoe with some arch-support might be able to provide a quicker, smoother gait for our future selves on the other side of the curtain of life. (I recommend some nice P.F. Flyers!)

Also, once I join the legions of the living dead, that quieter sole means I might be able to surprise some tasty morsel unawares!

2. The Best Defense!

Everybody knows you can only kill a zombie by destroying the brain. As an animated, cannibalistic corpse, a nice kevlar military helmet might just give me the edge when some human remnant with a Remington is defending his family in a clock tower. Just the type of common sense a zombie would use... if it could think.

3. A Good Offense!

Y'know, in every zombie movie that I have ever seen, someone gets grabbed by the walking dead, yet manages to pull away. The hands just simply aren't lethal enough.

So, to extend my grip and punch up the lethality of my future, undead grab, my kit will include a knife-tipped "Nightmare on Elm Street"-style of glove for my left hand that could turn the "one that got away" into "one that got only-a-little-bit away!"

Those unfortunate souls should still be pretty warm by the time I sit down to snack on them!

And finally...

4. What the heck? Hedge the bets!

Someone might believe it.

I mean, there may very well be some people so desperate and alone that they may actually believe I am faking my condition of zombism, and welcome me with open arms. By the time they can see that I am actually deceased, they should be well within my bite range and I feed again.

So, there you go. Oh, sure, I will try to stay alive as long as possible, just like everyone else, but if I get bitten, or injured and I feel myself starting to fade, I am slipping on my gear. If I am destined to be a flesh-eating ghoul, I will be the best damned flesh-eating ghoul that I can be!

Last-minute Hallowe'en advice...

Da bomb!

With the recent rash of bombings in my neighborhood, (yes! Bombings!) and Hallowe'en's rapid approach, I am reminded of the year that I decided to dress up as the Unabomber.

No! Not Ted Kaczynski's UnaBomber mugshot, the police sketch artist's version.

The two are so different that it got me thinking, ANYONE could have been that guy!

"All Points Bulletin: Be on the lookout for Magnum P.I.!"

And being frequently bored with the stuff I am supposed to be doing, (A.K.A., life,) I chose to fire up the photoshop and test my theory.

Since anyone with a hood, mustache and sunglasses could fit the description of this "artist," (I don't think the guy could draw hair or eyes,) I compiled an ALTERNATIVE list of suspects.

And I'm keeping my eyes on these ones...

Sixties rock singer and former political figure, Sonny Bono:

Actually, he's pretty much in the clear.

Anchorman, Ron Burgundy:

Adult film star, Ron Jeremy:

Coffee Baron Juan Valdez:

Seventies sitcom star, Mr. Kotter:

"Welcome back!"

Simpsons neighbor Ned "Diddly" Flanders:

Or even,

Muppet & boomerang-fish master Lew Zealand!

Lastly, from that Hallowe'en of years past, here is me in that costume, (and that's the missus dressed up as a "Mobile-Home-coming Queen.")

Happy Hallowe'en.

Left Over Hallowe'en Candy Ideas

First of all, I am not gonna speculate on the reason for only a single 'Trick or Treater' visiting last night, I am sure they had their reasons, and I am sure it was nothing personal.

I'm sure.

But the fact of the matter is, I now have one and a half metric shitloads of Halloween candy lying around, and if I don't want to force my dentist into buying a "Widebody Deluxe" dentistry chair, I need to find some other use for them aside from calling them full meals.

So, I comprised a list of 'Left Over Hallowe'en Candy Ideas'. (Feel free to use any if you, too, were snubbed by these little costumed beggars!)

- Alternative Gratuities: "Ahh, the service was excellent. And here are some Goobers for you, my good man!"

- 'Will-Work-For-Food' Wages: Let's see just how truthful those signs are. Clean out my gutters, cut and rake the lawn, and take out the trash. The pay is 8 Kit Kats and 12 Twizzlers per hour!

- Christmas Stocking Stuffers: Oh, sure. Like none of you have thought of this!

- Put it with the Crucifix and the Kryptonite: Now you can ward off Vampires, Superman AND Diabetics!

- 'Lawn Fishing' Squirrel Bait: Okay, this one is directed more towards those readers in the south...

- "Snickers Stuffing": Thanksgiving is right around the corner, y'know!

And, of course,

- Creative, (and Tasty!) Cocktail Garnishes: Reese's Cups go awesome with Amaretto, I, uh, happen to know.

Cheers, Chris

The BEST things about Hallowe'en...

Halloween is great fun in so many ways. The fancy-dress parties, watching the religious zealots lose their shit, public drunkenness... I mean, what's not to love!?!

In fact, there is so much that I love about Hallowe'en, that I decided to do a Letterman-style Top Ten List. (Please the note the "high road" of not resorting to a Letterman infidelity joke. Thank you.)

So, here now is my...

Top Ten Reasons Why Hallowe'en Is So Friggin' Cool!

10. Month-Long Horror Movie marathons, (Piranha 2: The Spawning?)

9. Jesus Freaks in Downtown Salem are so easy to get going!

8. The ability to wear a mask into stores, restaurants, et cetera. It's like a License to Stalk!

7. The ability to carry a real sword in public without arousing suspicion. "No! It ain't concealed!"

8. Enough candy left over from the beggar-training to block a colon!

5. All of the Sexy Witch/Cat/Vampire/Maid/ Devil/Bunny/Slut costumes!!!

4. I can finally get rid of those eggs that I have been saving since Hallowe'en '06!

3. I can bury things in my yard at night and people think I am being "seasonally festive" and "fun!"

2. Victims come right to the door. No reason to rent a van!

1. So much really poor-taste blogging material!

And lastly, my Bonus Reason:

All of those great scares, spooks and surprises! Happy Hallowe'en!

The Pansification of Vampires

The forthcoming Halloween season has made me take note of a fairly recent trend that I find bothersome, namely, this pansification of vampires.

Lemme 'splain...

Nowadays, there seems to be no shortage of vampire movies or T.V. shows. And they seem to mostly portray these monsters as sexy, glamorous, desirable, supermen/women with terrific hair!

And worse than that, this “New Breed” of vampire seems more interested in finding true love than to tear a throat out, drink the blood and live another day. “Sensitive vampires.” I ask ya!

All too frequently, the movies have attempted to “de-monsterize” the vampire by taking away it’s lethality, either through drinking blood in a more polite manner, or from animals, hitting blood-banks, or the most common method, by having the hip and hot, young, a-list bloodsucker attack and drink only from bad people.

In any case, the attempted goal is the same: to make vampires into sexy, strong, fast, superhuman immortals, that it is okay to fall in love with.

Make me sick.

Vampires should be first and foremost MONSTERS! Look here at this side-by side-comparison to see just what I am talking about...

Oh! I could go on. I could go on all night...

... et cetera, ad nauseam.

The sensitive, love-lorn vampire tale has an obvious flaw in its story, however. First, the vampire must find its true love, and then win it. Soon thoughts will turn towards marital bliss. Not long after, family planning becomes a priority. And so it goes.

The unavoidable outcome is that the vampire becomes a family man.

And we've all seen how THAT turns out!

The Great Pumpkin?

Okay, maybe not great. In fact, it's probably not good. At All!

That is to say, it is not a good thing for a person to carve his own likeness into a Halloween pumpkin, (it just ain't right.)

Still and all, here you go! Wooooooo-oooooo!

Yes, there are people like me out there...

Scary stuff, eh, kids?

The Black Lagoon

Christopher P. Toler, 10/12/09

Real Life #9

Originally published in The Salem State Log, way back on 10/24/1991.

Worse-Case Scenario Zombies

So, I'm sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my sister, Kerry, discussing certain tropical, rum-based cocktails, (but I won’t elaborate on those here, that is for the OTHER blog!), when Kerry tells me how she enjoys a really good Zombie. And that right there was all it took to kick-start my mind down a tangental path from which there is little hope of return. With Halloween looming on the horizon, I started thinking about the WORST possible zombies, and I don’t mean the the drink!

Now it is a known fact that Zombism can affect anyone, right? More specifically, anyone with a human brain. And all zombies are bad for you. But, as we have seen time and again, some zombies are much meaner and harder to destroy than others.

It is with this in mind that I compiled this brief, (but illustrated!) list of what I think could be zombie worst-case scenarios!

1. Edward Scissorhands.

This is really a no brainer. His gentle, tortured-soul demeanor gone, those snippers are now Freddy Kruger-ish skull can-openers!

“A little off the top?”

2. The Six Flags Guy. Already one creepy, little, troll-like creature, a taste for human flesh would really round out this character nicely. You know, now that I think about it, I am not certain that he isn’t already a zombie.

3. Sally Kellerman. I am sorry. For some reason, Sally Kellerman’s name always pops into my head for this type of thing. You can disregard this one and I’ll throw another on the list to make up for it. But still, I’d hate to run into her, dead or alive.

4. Yoda. Would a Jedi Master retain his ability to use the force after zombification? Would this constitute crossing over to the dark side? An angry, little undead Yoda would kinda look like a gremlin, wouldn’t he?

5. Cookie Monster.

At first, this might seem funny since Cookie Monster has no teeth, (from years of a steady diet of chocolate chips cookies, no doubt!), but never forget his capacity for gluttony! The damned bastard might ever swallow you whole! Digested to death by an undead muppet is not a pretty way to go...

6. Mayor McCheese.

When you have a massive cheeseburger for a head, you hear lots of “Eat me” jokes. Turn those tables and you get a beefy zombie with a serious axe to grind! The only way to disable a zombie requires damaging the brain? Well good luck finding it in this sandwich-headed politician’s five-foot-diameter noggin.

Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce...

And lastly...

7. Chuck Norris.

Dead or alive, Chuck is badder than you. In fact, Chuck is the baddest Mofo on either side of the curtain of life. And Zombie Chuck can and will beat you down, humiliate you, eat your brains with a soup ladle, and then make you offer him seconds!

Well, that's all I've got for now. But this list is far from comprehensive. These are just the first seven that came to mind, the blatantly obvious ones. Please feel free to list others in the comments section below!

Bonus Zombie Survival Tip: When running to escape a horde of Zombies, it is ideal to be running with two friends; one who is a little bit faster than you and one who is slower. The faster one will be the first if you run into more zombies ahead, and the slower one, well, just don't let him carry the keys...