Da bomb!

With the recent rash of bombings in my neighborhood, (yes! Bombings!) and Hallowe'en's rapid approach, I am reminded of the year that I decided to dress up as the Unabomber.

No! Not Ted Kaczynski's UnaBomber mugshot, the police sketch artist's version.

The two are so different that it got me thinking, ANYONE could have been that guy!

"All Points Bulletin: Be on the lookout for Magnum P.I.!"

And being frequently bored with the stuff I am supposed to be doing, (A.K.A., life,) I chose to fire up the photoshop and test my theory.

Since anyone with a hood, mustache and sunglasses could fit the description of this "artist," (I don't think the guy could draw hair or eyes,) I compiled an ALTERNATIVE list of suspects.

And I'm keeping my eyes on these ones...

Sixties rock singer and former political figure, Sonny Bono:

Actually, he's pretty much in the clear.

Anchorman, Ron Burgundy:

Adult film star, Ron Jeremy:

Coffee Baron Juan Valdez:

Seventies sitcom star, Mr. Kotter:

"Welcome back!"

Simpsons neighbor Ned "Diddly" Flanders:

Or even,

Muppet & boomerang-fish master Lew Zealand!

Lastly, from that Hallowe'en of years past, here is me in that costume, (and that's the missus dressed up as a "Mobile-Home-coming Queen.")

Happy Hallowe'en.

Decisions, Decisions...

Hmmm... Really not all that hungry anymore...

Technophobe's Illustrated #20

Christopher Toler, 10/17/10

EMOTICONS!

Happy Emoting!

Chris

Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

I love my photoshop program. It is so much fun.

But people get kinda freaky-deaky when I put their likenesses on tampon boxes, or in newspaper headlines featuring Chris Hansen. I don't know, I thought it would be flattering.

So, in order to express my "creative side," (so much nicer than the term the shrinks use!) without inciting more death threats, I use my own likeness as my subject. Does this make me narcissistic? Not at all! (Being in love with myself and not giving a crap about anyone else makes me narcissistic!) This just gives me more freedom.

So, here now are just a few of my past Photoshop productions featuring my humble self...

I decided to start this off with among my favorite pictures; the one that confesses a dark secret of mine, from my earlier post, "The Thing About Witches."

Here is me with my band of brothers from my "Among the Sasquatch" post.

Mr. Potato-Chris - Not flattering, I know. This got no fewer than three people to ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you?!?" I don't know. I found it funny.

"Extra Chris P." - Absolutely no reason for this. I was bored one day. And hungry, I guess.

Sorry, this one still cracks me up!

"Dutch Chris" - Used in my "Greatest Drink in the World... This Week" blog for a drink featuring a Dutch-made liqueur, The ChaiTini.

"Moonhead" - this is the wallpaper on my iPod Touch!

Okay. That is enough of that crap for right now. Even I get tired of seeing my face! I'll be back when I have something NEW to post, not just rehashing old shit again!

Decisions, Decisions...

So, exactly how thirsty are you?

Photo Safari: Santa Fe

Santa Fe, New Mexico is pretty widely known for its laid-back, artist-style, hippy-friendly atmosphere, throw in a "Folk-Art Festival" and you are one step away from a Woodstock reunion!

So, my sister and I were strolling through the festival when we saw this guy: Long white beard, blue turban AND a visor?

Trophy! As soon as we saw him, we knew a Photo Safari was on!

The matching silk pajamas suit earned this woman a spot.

Headwear is always a good attention getter, and one shaped like a sand castle is perfect to get one included in this collection!

So many flowing, silken gowns, skirts, scarves, and wraps.

Here, a woman tests out a garment's "flowability" to make sure it moves enough.

I only included this woman because of her magnificent head of hair! Nothing freakish about her otherwise, and no points were awarded for this shot.

The perfect mid-point on an imaginary spectrum that has Fran Drescher at one end and Stevie Nicks down the other.


My sister in mid-snapshot of a "one pantleg rolled up on a henna-tattooed senior" trophy.



Loud and proud, baby. Loud and proud.

The Folk-Art Festival was supposed to be about cool shit like this...

Not freaky-deaky attendees! This was just a bonus!

But, before anyone gives me shit about mocking these people for being true to who they are, remember that mocking is MY WAY of being true to who I am.

Darth Nibbles

The following is a true story, every damned word.

Cleaning out my mother’s shed not too long ago, I found a box. Opening it up I discovered only some old, plastic garden supplies. "Nothing too interesting there," I thought. However, deep within these supplies I suddenly spied pair of black eyes looking up at me.

Those tiny peepers belonged to a momma mouse with a whole clather of young ‘uns attached to her!

Ah crap.

Now I am not SO heartless as to harm an innocent family, okay, but I also won’t allow a bunch of freeloading squatter’s rights to this shed!

I collected the whole box and carried it out of the shed, when one little mouse detached itself from its mother and looked up at me.

...

I was transfixed. After a moment or so in, I realized I was under a Jedi Mind Trick!

I guess 'mouse-Jedis' only hold sway on smaller animals because I shook it off pretty quickly. But still was the problem of relocating a family. I took the whole clutch of them to the edge of the woods and dumped them out. They all scrambled through the desperately in the in-need-of-a-cutting grass towards the woods and perceived safety just outside the fenceline.

At the last minute, the little one stopped and looked back at me. I wasn't sure if he nodded his head in a silent "thank you for kindness, Good Human" gesture or if it was a "You took our home, I will not sleep until I have destroyed all that you care for!" gesture. Mice are hard to read like that.

I must admit, however, that I kind of enjoy the thought of having a future that could either find me rewarded by some future king of the Mouse world or one that has me suffering at the tiny little hands of a rodent overlord, Jedi descendent.

So exciting.

A Tale of Wisdoms

So, about a week or so back I gave in and finally got my last three wisdom teeth pulled. One of them was cracked and I figured I'd get it all over with at once.

Yeah, there was a LITTLE swelling...

But the funny thing about having teeth pulled: They don't want to give them back to you after they pull them; "biohazard," or some such malarkey. However, they DO make an exception for *ahem* teachers.

So I got two of my wayward choppers back, all covered with blood, and jaw flesh, and calcified tissue, (Blegh!)

I cleaned 'em up a bit, (flossing was a cinch!) and removed all that extra junk, et viola! Better than ever!

But now, what do I do with them.

I got some suggestions, mostly for a necklace. But I only have the two teeth. So I thought instead:

Earrings! (Tres fashionable!)

Or how about...

Human Scrimshaw! Ha-HA! How the tables are turned!

Or perhaps:

Corn On the Cob holders!

(Ironic, since it is usually corn that gets stuck in the teeth, not the other way around!)

Some other ideas for consideration include: Pushpin/thumbtacks, cufflinks, a 'Crocodile Dundee'-style hatband, and custom stereo knobs...

Still looking for the perfect use.

Any ideas? I am open to ALL suggestions!

Thanks!

Photo Safari: Maine

Maine: America's Vacationland and the South of the North.

On a recent R&R getaway with the missus, we ran across this place: A road-side business involving a massive building, decades of rust, mold and splinters, and maybe seven or eight teeth.

American Pickers, you been served.

Is it a Barn? Or is it a Mall? BOTH?!?

Just a little "eye-candy" out front to entice the masses.

Out front signage: "Keep dogs in car. No shit."

We found it ironic that Elmer didn't want shit in his front yard!

Further Irony is that there is a toilet at the base of this sign.

The welcoming front doors to the "Antiques Mall" beckon one inside...

Like a giant Venus Flytrap!

Whilst meandering though the building, I snap a shot of some of the acres of "wares."

It was like a Tetanus Jamboree!

Another shot of things for sale here, this one taken from up one the third floor, I believe.

The "Folded Mermaid" sculpture was particularly telling about the contents of this mall.

An attempt to cash in on the huge "Second-Hand Mill-Stone Craze" that is apparently sweeping our nation's attic.

Incidentally, as I came around to take this shot, the "Creepy Screaming Stone Clown Face" scared the shit outta me!

A wide assortment of yard crap, and not a gnome in sight.

"You want totem poles? We got your totem poles right here! C'mon Down!"

Okay, I mock, but in fairness, I did buy something; this cool, old, black kettle and it goes perfectly in my kitchen.

Thank you, Elmer.

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