Write Your Own Theme Song!

Holy Son of a Moly! One Hundred Posts! Who said I'd never accomplish anything? (Oh yeah, that was my high school guidance counsellor, my father, most teachers, the parish priest... the list goes on, but who can be bothered to finish something like that.) In any case, for my one hundredth post, I decided to give something back to the community. I little plan that might make the whole world just a little bit brighter.

I call this plan, "Write Your Own Theme Song!"

I love sitcoms. From my (albeit, skewed,) perspective, sitcoms rate up there as one of America’s greatest contributions to the world of entertainment, right alongside Major League Baseball, presidential scandals, mocking the French, and of course, Humor Blogs.

Sitcoms’ theme songs are so cool, too. Especially the late sixties, early seventies shows like “Gilligan’s Island,” “Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Brady Bunch,” et cetera. They used their theme songs to bring an audience “up to speed.” A first time viewer could listen to the opening song and immediately know what was going on and who was involved.

“Oh, I see. They are stuck on an island! And what an assortment of personalities. Hilarity must ensue!”

So comforting.

Now, I do not mean to imply that these songs were formulaic, but there WAS a specific formula that was used almost without fail, (okay, maybe I do mean to imply they were formulaic.) But if these opening themes could express a situation so succinctly, and let a person know the what was happening and who was who in a minute or two, then maybe people could benefit from having one.

It was with this philanthropic idea, (“What a swell guy!”) that I put together a few simple lines to help out those literarily-challenged individuals in composing a theme song of their very own.

Simply select a line for each corresponding, lettered space in the following verses and there you have it! Your own theme song. Think of it as a musical "Mad-Libs."

Give it a whack!

Of course, I don't want people to limit themselves to my verses! These are just offered out to those who want them to share the story of their own 'situation.'

Just my way of giving back to society.

"Y'all come back, now. Y'hear?"

Your humble author with his "Lady Friend" and costars on the set of her show.

"CHRIS! is the one, sweeter than a sticky bun,

CHRIS! is the one, working hard... and having fun.

CHRIS!"

"Lost" In Translation

It is true that I believe I have too much time on my hands. But the following post quite conclusively proves this point...

So, one night I had decided to translate the theme song to Gilligan's Island into Japanese and back to see how badly it's meaning had changed. I then got the idea to translate it from Japanese to Hebrew. And then I thought, "Why not Hebrew to Finnish?" Why the hell not, indeed!!!

I entered each line of the song into the online translator at "Worldlingo.com," changing the languages as I went: Japanese, Hebrew, Finnish, English...

This, then, is my result.

First, the lyrics in the original, English version, (for those who don't know it as well as I do!):

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
With Gilligan, The Skipper too,
The millionaire and his wife,
The movie star, The professor and Mary Ann,
Here on Gilligans Isle."

Now, the lyrics after running it through multiple translations:

"It is he whose back is parted, just presented sitting; you have asked a story,

The story of death driving.

We started with this more tropical port;

It is a small boat.

As a partner, that man was a great maritime safety,

A courageous man, with a flag, really.

The five other passengers on sail day

Travel costs for a period of 3, 3 times to travel.

The climate began unclear

The boat was thrown out small,

When he did not have the courage, it has the group courage,

He lost small fish; smaller fish, has lost.

The island of solid boat-land beach, mapped this desert

Gilligan, the person, through which flies in such a way excessively,

the large magnate and that, his wife.

Star transmission, and leopard and the United Nations,

I am here, Gilligans."

Kind of poetic in its own way, don't you think?

Se7en Stranded Deadly Sins...

I have always been fascinated by the Seven Deadly Sins. They are so concrete, yet abstract; truly subjective absolutes. Strangely, though, the Seven Righteous Virtues, the “Glass-half-full” flip side list, never caught on in pop culture with quite the same emphasis. I would like to blame the film, “SE7EN,” (starring Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, Gwyneth Paltrow and Kevin Spacey. Great flick!), but I believe the movie to be more of a result of the list’s appeal.

I recently was considering Gilligan’s Island, (a favorite television show and another point of fascination for me,) and realized that each of the castaways was possessed of a different defining one of these aforementioned sins.

Some were quite blatant, such as Ginger, (lust,) or Mr. Howell, (greed,) while others, less so. My list:

Gilligan: Gluttony. Gilligan has shown time and again that the boy can eat. Nothing seems to motivate him more, and he is often bribed by the women-folk with banana cream pies, or coconut cream pies, etc.

Skipper: Wrath. The only castaway who routinely strikes another. He loses patience with Gilligan in almost every episode and lashes out physically. Sure, it is only a hat-smack, but severity does not define intent!

Mr. Howell: Greed. As I mentioned, this is so obvious and central to the character’s personality, that it almost overshadows his other qualities.

Mrs. Howell: Sloth. The thought of “perspiration” brings about a near panic to Thurston’s trophy bride, and her anecdotes about the servants secure Lovey’s standing as the personification of this sin.

Ginger: Lust. Ginger’s patented whore-maneuvers of man-manipulation are so dominant to her persona that she even has her own theme music with which to work her sultry seductive wiles on the love-starved male population of the island. She's SO hot.

The Professor: Pride. The only castaway with his own hut, the professor always seems to be looking down on the others as ignorant inconveniences. He holds six advanced degrees, speaks many languages, and has written a number of books, and seems to insist on being acknowledged by his title, “The Professor,” instead of by his name, Roy.

Mary Ann: Envy. Oh sure, Mary Ann is a bundle of virtues but her envy of Ginger’s lifestyle is impossible to ignore! To the point of her actually becoming Ginger after a knock on the noggin during a performance of Hamlet.

The Island of the Damned! (with your humble narrator!)

Finally, one could look at these individuals, see them for their sins and speculate that they are, in actuality, the living damned! That island, devoid of boats, lights, motorcars or even a single luxury, (that so many others seem to be able to come and go from so frequently,) is their HELL! And the show is a subliminal anecdotal allegory denouncing the practitioners of these lifestyle choices.

No, I don't actually believe a word of this basket of tripe that I have just written. Don't be silly. But, what if, by some strange twist, I am wrong and this really was the point of the show. (Kinda makes "Lost" look like Sesame Street, huh?)

Cue the haunting refrain: “Here for a long, long time.”

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