Scotland (You Owe Us)

After Flogging Molly cracked the mainsteam arena and started going all "Warped Tour," the L.A. bar, Molly Malone's, (from where the band took it's name!) need a new house band. A number of acts stepped up. Among them "The Mighty Regis."

As part of the 17 Days of Saint Patrick, I decided to included the lyrics to the spoken rant in the song, Scotland, (You Owe Us,) by The Mighty Regis.

By The Mighty Regis off the album “Another Nickel For The Pope .”

♪ ...If not for the Irish you wouldn’t be free! ♫

“Now, here’s what I mean by that. In 1994, there was a movie called ‘Braveheart,’ starring and directed by Mr. Mel Gibson, in which he portrayed William Wallace, Scotland’s high protector and the man who freed Scotland from the clutches of England.

But there’s a pivotal scene in this movie, if you remember, where William Wallace is out hunting for some deer, and out of the clear blue Scottish wilderness comes Steven, one of his high captains, an Irishman, mind you, with his blade drawn, ready to fire. And Wallace spins around, thinking he was being betrayed be the Irishman, but in actuality, that Paddy was there to have his back, and Steven lets go of his blade, and it goes right over Wallace’s shoulder, into the heart of a Scottish rebel, standing behind him waiting to betray him.

So the way I see it, and the way the lads and the lassie see it, and the way the history books should see it, is without that Irishman, William Wallace is dead, 45 minutes in, and Scotland doesn’t get it’s precious freedom!

So Scotland! Get off your kilted arses! Lift your whiskeys to the sky and give thanks to the island to your west that gave you your freedom.

‘Cuz Scotland, you owe us! And it time to pay up!”

http://www.myspace.com/themightyregis

http://www.themightyregis.com/

Chris Toler: "Cover Boy"

Well, it has finally happened. I am a "Coverboy."

Oh, obviously my stunning, "bad-boy" looks, (maybe move the hyphen, for bad 'boyish-looks',) my chiseled, (out of BUTTER maybe!) countenance, and swaggering confidence have made this natural progression predetermined, but nevertheless, I am surprised.

Shocked, even.

Apparently, SHITE 'n' ONIONS, the leading online authority on all things in the Celtic Folk-Punk music genre, and one of the places where your humble author occasionally submits his opinion in written form, decided to use a photo of me, (albeit, a photo from years past!) to accompany the current Shite 'n' Onions podcast, appropriately titled, "The metal years!"

Why me? Who's knows.

I mean, Shite 'n' Onions is among the top sources for info on releases, tour dates, and news from bands like Dropkick Murphys, The Tossers, Neck, Flogging Molly, and The Pogues, and the site's podcasts cover many different styles within the genre. So perhaps, finding some crossover into the Heavy Metal scene, (the OTHER pie that I like to keep a finger in, metaphorically speaking,) found the selection limited.

In any case, I believe that this may elevate the class level of Celtic Folk-Punk from just another form of fine and sophisticated music into that of a classic art-form that transcends mediums.

My eZine Cover shot:

Eat your heart out, Elle Macpherson.

Ten Funkiest Cartoon Themes of the 1970s!

Yeah. I said it, 1970s. I am an old fart.

But this is when I watched cartoons and frankly they were better. These were among the funkier ones from my, (albeit, foggy,) memories.

10. The original "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You." Of course, I am talking the pre-Scrappy version. The opening theme alone was better than just about every episode that starred Scrappy Doo.

9. "Fat Albert." Not only was the theme song cool, "The Gang" would do a tune mid-way through the show, (on bed springs and washtubs and other shit,) that was usually pretty groovy, y'know, to its target audience's sophisticated tastes. Hey, hey, hey!

8. "Hong Kong Phooie." Whoops! Hold on... I just re-listened to this, and despite having Scatman Cruthers on vocals, there is no funk here. Disregard this entry.

7. The Banana Splits! technically not a cartoon, but a cartoon show! The theme song was more 'fun' than 'funk' but DAMN! I wanted one of those Banana-Buggies!

6. "Kimba the White Lion." I'm sorry. I can't get this bouncy little ditty out of my head. It's been a week now. Dear God! Someone help me!

5. "Underdog." Yeah. I said it. Listen for yourself.

4. "Speed Racer." "He's a dmeon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone!" It was really cool to be a kid back then. (But how did nobody ever put together that "Racer X" was actually "Rex Racer", Speed's long lost brother, thought to be dead?)

3. "The Pink Panther."

Okay. Perhaps having a theme song composed by Henry Mancini gives this one an unfair edge.

2. DANGER ISLAND! ("Uh-Oh! Chong-go!) This "Banana Splits" featurette had james Bond-era cool written all over it! And it was a great live-action show for children, too!

1. The absolutely funkiest cartoon theme song ever: The Harlem Globetrotters Show!

Just plain cool.

Irresponsible Christmas Lyrics

Another posting for the HBDC Christmas Carnival...

So, I was down the pub last weekend, and I heard that God-awful “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” song. I always found it annoying, but it made me think of another Christmas song, one from my childhood, and prompted me to pen a concern...

When I first heard “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” I was too young to get the irony and hidden subtext; I took the thing at face value. And it was this, this, “child’s perspective” that presented a problem for me.

You see, my dad was a cop. He was an old-school hard-ass and carried a gun and a nightstick with him to and from work. So when the line the goes, “What a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night,” I did not relate. In fact, I was pretty sure that if my father saw my mother sucking face with Saint Nick, the old man would have drawn his revolver and blown the jolly one to Kingdom Come, (or, at very least, done a dance on bearded face with his baton!)

What’s the connection? GLAD YOU ASKED!!! I think it is time for Christmas songs to be a bit more responsible, lyrics-wise! I always harbored an image of Santa as a home-wrecking playboy slipping into houses and helping himself to other men’s “cookies and milk,” so to speak. When I heard the newer Christmas song, even though when it came out I was old enough to know it was a tongue-in-cheek tune, I realized that there might be some child who heard it and thinks Father Christmas pulled a hit and run fatality!

It is time that we stop the flagrant abuse of lyrical content in Christmas Songs! We are scarring our children's images of Saint Nick. This is our damned legacy, for pity’s sake!!!

Thank you. Soap box is closed.

Christmas Music Playlists

Are you coming to my Christmas Eve party but not sure what will be playing on the ol' Toler family Wurlitzer this year?

Then, for you, here is my guide for some of the music you WILL and WILL NOT be subjected to...

Write Your Own Theme Song!

Holy Son of a Moly! One Hundred Posts! Who said I'd never accomplish anything? (Oh yeah, that was my high school guidance counsellor, my father, most teachers, the parish priest... the list goes on, but who can be bothered to finish something like that.) In any case, for my one hundredth post, I decided to give something back to the community. I little plan that might make the whole world just a little bit brighter.

I call this plan, "Write Your Own Theme Song!"

I love sitcoms. From my (albeit, skewed,) perspective, sitcoms rate up there as one of America’s greatest contributions to the world of entertainment, right alongside Major League Baseball, presidential scandals, mocking the French, and of course, Humor Blogs.

Sitcoms’ theme songs are so cool, too. Especially the late sixties, early seventies shows like “Gilligan’s Island,” “Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Brady Bunch,” et cetera. They used their theme songs to bring an audience “up to speed.” A first time viewer could listen to the opening song and immediately know what was going on and who was involved.

“Oh, I see. They are stuck on an island! And what an assortment of personalities. Hilarity must ensue!”

So comforting.

Now, I do not mean to imply that these songs were formulaic, but there WAS a specific formula that was used almost without fail, (okay, maybe I do mean to imply they were formulaic.) But if these opening themes could express a situation so succinctly, and let a person know the what was happening and who was who in a minute or two, then maybe people could benefit from having one.

It was with this philanthropic idea, (“What a swell guy!”) that I put together a few simple lines to help out those literarily-challenged individuals in composing a theme song of their very own.

Simply select a line for each corresponding, lettered space in the following verses and there you have it! Your own theme song. Think of it as a musical "Mad-Libs."

Give it a whack!

Of course, I don't want people to limit themselves to my verses! These are just offered out to those who want them to share the story of their own 'situation.'

Just my way of giving back to society.

"Y'all come back, now. Y'hear?"

Your humble author with his "Lady Friend" and costars on the set of her show.

"CHRIS! is the one, sweeter than a sticky bun,

CHRIS! is the one, working hard... and having fun.

CHRIS!"

"Lost" In Translation

It is true that I believe I have too much time on my hands. But the following post quite conclusively proves this point...

So, one night I had decided to translate the theme song to Gilligan's Island into Japanese and back to see how badly it's meaning had changed. I then got the idea to translate it from Japanese to Hebrew. And then I thought, "Why not Hebrew to Finnish?" Why the hell not, indeed!!!

I entered each line of the song into the online translator at "Worldlingo.com," changing the languages as I went: Japanese, Hebrew, Finnish, English...

This, then, is my result.

First, the lyrics in the original, English version, (for those who don't know it as well as I do!):

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
With Gilligan, The Skipper too,
The millionaire and his wife,
The movie star, The professor and Mary Ann,
Here on Gilligans Isle."

Now, the lyrics after running it through multiple translations:

"It is he whose back is parted, just presented sitting; you have asked a story,

The story of death driving.

We started with this more tropical port;

It is a small boat.

As a partner, that man was a great maritime safety,

A courageous man, with a flag, really.

The five other passengers on sail day

Travel costs for a period of 3, 3 times to travel.

The climate began unclear

The boat was thrown out small,

When he did not have the courage, it has the group courage,

He lost small fish; smaller fish, has lost.

The island of solid boat-land beach, mapped this desert

Gilligan, the person, through which flies in such a way excessively,

the large magnate and that, his wife.

Star transmission, and leopard and the United Nations,

I am here, Gilligans."

Kind of poetic in its own way, don't you think?

How will YOU be "Rocked?"

The question comes up throughout the day more frequently than one is usually comfortably with. Turning to pop music for the answers, one comes up with the following likelihood chart.

If, in fact, being rocked is in your immediate future, this pie chart shows you the chances of what that “rocking” might be like.

♪  Like A Hurricane, 44%

♪ All Night, (And Party Every Day), 27%

♪ Around The Clock, 12%

♪ Amadeus, 5%

♪ Like A Wagon Wheel, 4%

♪ Tonight, 3%

♪ Eternally, 2%

♪ To The Ground, 1%

♪ Gently, and/or Slowly, 0.4%

Good luck and be careful! Rock responsibly!

Uke Confession

Indulge me for a moment, whilst I purge my transgressions...

Not long back, I woke up one Saturday morning, (okay, I came to early one Saturday afternoon,) and went to check my email. 

I was greeted with a “Congratulations! You won this auction.” Of course, my curiosity was piqued, as I had no, (or at least, very few,) recollections from the previous night due to my extensive, (and intensive,) research into the perfect Mai Tai recipe!

Well apparently, I had gone online the night before, and not only bid on, but won, and paid for, a $65.00 ukulele just because it was shaped like a telecaster.

Ah Crap! I knew I was in deep doo-doo, so I decided to keep this from the missus. She does not believe in, nor understand the depths of U.A.S., (Ukulele Acquisition Syndrome, for the acronymically limited,) and has voiced her disapproval with the amount of stringed-instrument purchases I have made in the past: ukuleles, mandolins, Irish Bouzoukis, banjos, even a fiddle or two, all littering about the house accomplishing little more than reminding us both of my limitations as a musician, (or, more positively, my excessive success as ten-thumbed, noise-polluter!)

On the very day it had arrived, Cheryl, (the missus,) discovered the UPS slip, (by actually digging through my back pocket, no less! Fortunately, I wasn’t concealing anything more incriminating... That time!) She pulled it from my pocket and glared at me, “What’s this?”

Stymied, I stammered, “I can explain! I was drunk!” 

(Okay, pause here for a reality check! If you are ever in a position where you think “I was drunk!” can successfully follow the sentence, “I can explain,” you should know now, you have already lost your argument.)

Her first words were, “It isn’t another stringed instrument, is it?” At this point, I saw the futility of my predicament and had given up on trying to get out of the hole I had dug myself into, and I went with an excited, “You wanna see it?”

Okay, I was chastised for my impulse purchasing habits, and was reprimanded for my EWI, (Ebaying While Intoxicated,) and scolded for my attempts to hide my new acquisition from my wife, but, c’mon, it’s pretty cool looking isn’t it?

"The Legend Of Boggy Creek:" The Music Video

I have a bit of a fascination with the 1972 "documentary" film, The Legend of Boggy Creek. The music in it, however, is so...

So...

Well, it defies description. The movie itself is a horror film of sorts about a Bigfoot-like creature in the Arkansas swamplands. The film takes a sharp and sudden left turn into total surreal life when this sad, love song about the monster comes up, though.

I isolated the song and added subtitles, (somewhat,) for the following video to encapsulate the mood...

Enjoy!

www.condron.us

Cake n Beer

I was rummaging around in a box of old photos recently, and found an old favorite of mine. It was from a family gathering way back in 1970. And features some of my older relatives knocking back some Irish bread and Buds, just partying on.

Great picture.

And, possibly from the same party, a candid shot of your humble author...

(Not exactly sure what was in that bottle...)

I am reminded of a song by the (intentionally!) provocatively named punk band from Ireland, Spud Nigger, (whose soul purpose on Earth often seems like it is just to see who “gets it,”) and I wanted to include the song “Cake n Beer” here in the attic, but due to technical difficulties, (i.e. I couldn’t figure out how to!), this did not come to pass.

I was, however, able to include a link to the band’s video, “When I Grow Up I Want to Drink,” (which also seems pretty appropriate given the photos.) Funny stuff. Enjoy!

For more info on “Da Spuds,” as they are sometimes billed to appease the more brittle sensitivities, you can check out their MySpace page at http://www.myspace.com/spudnigger

Cheers.

condron.us