The first thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
Anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The second thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
The sleeved-blanket called a “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The third thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
The Sham-WOW super towel,
A backwards bathrobe called a “Snuggie,”
And anything described “As Seen On T.V.”
The fourth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
Anything from Chia,
The Sham-WOW ultra rag,
That wizard’s Johnny called a “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The fifth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!!
Anything from Chia,
The "German-made" Sham-WOW,
That cult uniform-looking “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The sixth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
A “Magic Bullet” mini blender,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!!
Please nothing from Chia!
I don't spill enough to need a SHAM-WOW,
“When blankets are too complicated, choose a Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The seventh thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
A Suzanne Somers’ Thigh Master,
A “Magic Bullet” mini blender,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (Although those commercials are hot!)
A Chia anything!
The Beavis-sold SHAM-WOW,
The SpEd-Jedi wardrobe, “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The eighth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
Any garden Weasel
That Suzanne Somers’-thing Thigh Master
A “Magic Bullet” mini blender,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (sigh.)
Chia -pet, -tree, -head, or -Scooby,
You need a headset to sell a Sham-WOW,
Not even a Sham-WOW material “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The ninth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
Another frigging Clapper,
"Ninja weapon" Garden Weasel
Suzanne Somers did have great thighs!
A “Magic Bullet:” A blender, but small,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (Hubba-hubba!)
Cha-cha-cha-Chia!
Sham-WOW, (it's a wash cloth!)
Don't sit next to a stranger in a “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The tenth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
A Topsy Tail, (given sarcastically,)
Seriously? A Clapper?
Garden Weasels scare me!
I used to have the hots for Suzanne Somers!
A “Magic Bullet” blending blender,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (Unless you can find it in 3-D!),
a Chia petri Dish!
Sham-WOWs make great diapers,
The Kris Kross dressing gown, “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The eleventh thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
Any K-Tel collection,
A Topsy Tail, (I get it, I’m bald,)
Who is lazy enough to need a Clapper?
A Garden Weasel killed my brother!
Suzanne Somers did have great thighs!
A “Magic Bullet” Margarita Maker!,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (*insert perverted laugh here!)
I should NOT have smoked that Chia!
I could use the Sham-WOW with those videos!
...Hiding under a “Snuggie,”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
The twelfth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:
Any Oxi Clean, (R.I.P. Billy Mays!)
A K-Tel crap-fest of any kind,
A Topsy Tail, (I swear, I’ll hit you!,)
No! You friggin’ “Clap Off!,”
Garden Weasels should be outlawed!
I'd watch Suzanne Somers’ "Go Wild!"
Make me a drink with my Magic Bullet Boat Drink Maker,
GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (unless you got it cheap!)
HOLY SHIT! A Chia Obama?!?
Sham-WOW; for the slob on your Christmas list,
Seriously. Does anyone OWN a “Snuggie?”
And anything “As Seen On T.V.”
BUT WAIT! You can also keep your Bedazzler, Ginsu Knives, Pasta-Pal, Ab-Roller, or anything from RonCo, Franklin Mint, or Tony Little.
Merry Christmas.
You see, my dad was a cop. He was an old-school hard-ass and carried a gun and a nightstick with him to and from work. So when the line the goes, “What a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night,” I did not relate. In fact, I was pretty sure that if my father saw my mother sucking face with Saint Nick, the old man would have drawn his revolver and blown the jolly one to Kingdom Come, (or, at very least, done a dance on bearded face with his baton!)
