Artificial Memories

Nieces and nephews are the best kids. You get to hang out with them, they are happy to see you, you don’t have to be a bad guy and enforce their rules, and if they act up, or need changing, or become annoying, you give ‘em back to their folks for the dirty work. Best of all, though, you get a chance to be the coolest person they know. I really enjoy this part. My niece and nephews have heard my tales of adventure and bravery from my days of shark fishing, singing in a rock band, traveling the globe, or some other story where a creative interpretation of my exploits trumped the the truth by a degree or two.

They are, however, children. It shouldn’t be too long before they realize that I didn’t actually work as a workshop custodian for Santa Claus, or see a U.F.O. landing when I was visiting the set where the roadrunner show was filmed. Plausibility is going to have to be factored into some the ol’ Uncle Chris anecdotes to maintain that starry-eyed hero worship that my ego feeds upon. Or proof of the implausible.

Of course I chose the latter. To me, coming up with evidence to support an unlikely claim seems far easier and more entertaining than watering down my stories. This is the basis of my “Artificial Memories” collection.

Chapters of my life, part 1: Rock ‘n’ Roll. I’ve sung the hyped-up tales of the days of my band “Stinkhammer” for years to the kids, (leaving out the fact that we were a collection of ten-thumbed, talentless, noise-polluters, o’course!) but now with the help of some manufactured artifacts, that band will have a sense of pedigree, forgotten, but worthwhile.

The Magazine Cover

Yes, that sexy bitch to the far right is your humble author...

Oh, sure it is simply a photoshop job, BUT it is laden with such extreme mediocrity that it probably doesn’t require too much imagination to conceive of it really taking place. It is just this “C-Average” setting of the bar that makes this artificial memory almost credible.

The Gold Record

Yeah. I actually made this. Did I mention the "too much time on my hands" factor?

Okay! A whole new dimension, here, (third, to be accurate!) Photoshop and doctored photos are one thing, but a real, live, phony gold record? That just speaks volumes! (Okay, the volumes it speaks are lies, but HEY! Truth can be subjective, too. Can’t it?) Destined to widen the eyes of the naïve!

And Coming Soon: The Video! If I can ever find the stinking tape of the sole studio session of Stinkhammer, I now have the means to clean it up, multi-track it, juxtapose some images, Et Voila! The jewel in the crown of my auditory forgery trifecta.

Yes, it is such an exiting life that I pretend to lead!

In the next showing of my collection; the memories of my career in television!!!