Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Smells of summer

Few things about being a schoolteacher are as gratifying as the vacation time. Like right now!

Last night, however, as the missus lay all sleepy-poo under her covers, (she does NOT have the week off. So I try to be quiet when I stay up. Thoughtful husband,) I was enjoying a late night repast of Mai Tais and popcorn, when suddenly it hit me: The wicks on my new tiki-totem-shaped tiki torches are too long!

I decided to light them! Ingenious. So I fill the little bastards with citronella fuel and break out the Zippo, (actually, the Zippo was out in my truck. I used a Bic. But since "Break out the Zippo" just sounds better, lets keep that line in for all future retellings...)

I gave the wicks a little extra "burn room" and add the fuel. A few moments later, they are fully charged and I give them a light. Magnificent! A big, full flame with that odor of burning citronella that just yells, "SUMMERTIME!"

Suddenly, though, the yelling is real. Or at least an approximation of yelling. Apparently, the extra wick, and the newness of it, threw off quite a little bit of soot into the room, and my smoke detectors proved that bargain batteries are just as good as those brand names, blaring their wake-up call to rat me out to the wife!

Now, years ago, I studied to be a firefighter, (among a plethora of other things) and am well practiced in the case of such an emergency. I spring into action...

I quickly disabled the smoke detectors after the first two sets of chirps! I opened the back door and blew out my torches and waited for repercussions.

Shortly thereafter, the bedroom door opens and my wife, Cheryl, comes out. She uses the bathroom. Maybe she was awakened but wasn't aware of what caused her to wake! That has happened to me in the past!

Upon leaving the bathroom, she calls down to me. "What was that noise?" she asks.

"Noise?" I feign ignorance, poorly. "What noise? I didn't hear anything. I'm sure you were dreaming!" (They always use THAT line in the movies. It sometimes works, too. Why the fuck not? I mean, what do I have to lose, right?)

"That beeping! You KNOW what I'm talking about," she quickly sees through my cunning deception, (and knowing that I had a Mai Tai or two that evening, she more than likely imagined me doing one of my drunken fry-ups!)

With nowhere else to turn, (and lord knows, the truth is not a card needed to play yet!) I dismiss the whole thing with, "Don't you worry about that. It has been dealt with." I hoped that these words made me out to seem more of a protector and less of a menace, and Cheryl sighs, a sigh somewhere between exasperation and too tired to care for further dealings with my like. She returns to sleep.

But I had a taste. And I liked it. I took my two new torches out back, (lesson learned!) and lit them again. Oh my god! The smell of citronella has such a ring of summer to it. It was awesome. If I had a hard time getting motivated to do some work out in the yard yesterday, well, today was a cinch. Summer is well and truly on the horizon and I had just the slightest taste of it last night.

And though Cheryl doesn’t realize it yet, so did she.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Unattended Blog Math

Thought - Motivation = A whole list of Nothing.

In other words, although there are a lot of ideas running through my head that I wanted to write about, I simply haven't been motivated lately.

Hence, the Attic sits dormant.

Maybe sooner or later, I will get motivated, but one problem is, some of my ideas require a bit more work than than I really want to do right now...

But, today, I decided to write something. Anything! So, in an effort to light a fire under my own butt, here is a short list of some of the things I want to eventually get to:

1. Toast! In true egomaniacal fashion, I decided to make a stencil of my face cut into aluminum foil and place it on a slice of bread and put it in the toaster, so that my likeness would be toasted into it. Yummy.

2. Kermit Sings. Another project that I started but haven't gotten into was a commercial for Kermit the Frog on his banjo doing heavy metal songs. Splicing some footage from muppets movies and shows, and overdubbing me playing banjo and doing my best Kermit impersonation on songs like AC/DC, Metallica, Sabbath, et cetera.

3. "Ode to the Chicken: Nature's Candy." Just a poem that I started.

4. "The Redcoats." Apparently anyone can come up with a political movement these days. The name doesn't have to be remotely related either! ("Tea Party?" Weren't the original Tea Partiers, like, really liberal? A bit of a departure there, huh?)

5. Akai Rice. Lastly, I was planning on writing out an amusing little tale about Akai rice, (56 times more fiber than white rice. That's right, FIFTY SIX TIMES!!!) and its chemical reactions with Mai Tais. A true story that is still "unfolding..."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Decisions, Decisions...

This here is YET ANOTHER example of the value of consulting immature people.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Why Great Britain ROCKS!!!

Back in September, I posted "Why Bavaria ROCKS!!!" and had a hard time believing such names existed.

Well, apparently, that is nothing! Great Britain has some of the most unexpected place names going! And unlike Bavaria, these have ALWAYS been in English!

No consistency to the Queen's tongue, eh? (Oooh! THAT sounded dirty!)

Here's what I mean:

I'm not making these up! See:

I was going to try to connect these sights in a logical manner, suitable for touring, but frankly, there are just too many!

And here are a few more!!!

And, before I turn in for the night, I need to get out the old "Cock & Pullet!"

What did you think I meant?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Paint the House?

Yup. April is here and with it, nice weather and my wife's annual list of chores to ruin it.

This year, she informs me that I am painting the house. Our current coat of paint is a fairly bland, weather-worn shade of Union Blue, I am assuming period to the house's 1831 date of origin.

But I don't want to just paint it for the sake of getting a sunburn. I want something DIFFERENT!
A few color schemes were bandied about, but then a thought struck me: Why must we go with solids?

So I fired up the Photoshop and tried a few combinations...

The Tartan House:
Yeah, Baby! The mad, bad, plaid pad. In a variation of the MacGregor Tartan, in honor of my father's Scottish heritage.

Casa de Paisley:
Subtle, understated, yet classy. This just hollers sophisticated, doesn't it?

The Alo-house:
This is my favorite. It can make the bleakest of New England days a tropical luau.

Tribal Abode:
Eye-catching, sure. But a little on the hip & trendy side. And frankly, I am way past the "rave-crowd" age. Pass.

The Van Gogh Home:
C'mon. This is pretty cool, right? Slightly pretentious, I grant you, but still, well on the neat-o side.

Fort Camo:
Unfortunately, with this paint-job, the Chinese Food delivery guy will NEVER find my house!

Friday, April 2, 2010


Last July, I wrote about a really nice little ukulele that I had apparently purchased one evening whilst "in my cups!"

I still enjoy playing this instrument, (although, not many others can say that THEY enjoy my playing!) and have no regrets about purchasing it, but I am not sure if I would have done so had I not refilled my glass quite so many times that evening!

Oh well. "Lesson learned," right?

Hmmm. Apparently not. Enter Ebay. I do enjoy Ebay. I don't always RECALL enjoying Ebay, but how can you NOT dig that PayPalone-click shopping! No need for focusing, or clear-headedness. Just "click!" and you are surrendering to impulse.

The following is a short list of items that I acquired whlie E.W.I., ('Ebaying While Intoxicated.') Let my shame be your enjoyment.

My "Posable" Elvis doll.
A little over 6 inches tall, sporting his 1973 "Aloha from Hawaii" (strictly coincidence, I swear!), white, bedazzled jumpsuit. This is fully posable, as long as you pose Elvis EXACLY the way you see him above.

Billy Beer!
This is CLEARLY not something I would have bought had a clearer head prevailed. "Y'know, I could really go for a 33 year old beer brewed by a guy who drank Pabst Blue Ribbon."

The Mayor McCheese "Action Figure"
This one took me by surprise, I gotta admit. I thought that I dreamed buying this. A really good laugh when I unsuspectedly open this package!
This is for sale, by the way, if anybody is interested.

I also discovered OTHER purchases that I thought I would share here. This time from iTunes, (maybe I need an "i.W.I." posting, too!)

A bunch of songs by The Monkees.
Fortunately, I am a Monkees fan.
Blog Widget by LinkWithin