Saturday, September 5, 2009

From the Stinkhammer songbook...

The year was 1989, (or was it 1990? Whatever. It doesn't matter.) It was the era of big hair, aviator sunglasses, tight acid-washed jeans, the "Heavy Metal Power Ballad," and

Well, one day I was approached by our guitarist and our drummer, with a request. "Write us this song!" they said and presented me with the title, (and gave me a short list of words they insisted were used.) Never one to refuse a challenge, I penned the following little ditty, to be sung in the Power Ballad-style of the day. I give you now;
"I Love You So Fuckin' Much I Can't Shit."

So Fuckin’ Much That I Can’t Shit

Sitting here thinking ‘bout the time you left me on my own

Turned me from a proud young king to a lonely prince on an empty throne

Since you left me standing there on that stormy night,

Seems that nothing's able to come out right.

Since the time that you and separated,

Thinkin’ ‘bout you’s made me constipated,

I love you so fuckin’ much, that I can’t shit.

Seen the doctor he said the problem’s in my mind,

And thoughts about you make my bowels bind.

He gave suppositories but they don’t reach my heart.

No matter how deep I push ‘em, they only make me fart.

In my mind I see your face and my heart skips a beat,

And the pain it causes keeps me glued to my seat,

I love you so fuckin’ much that I can’t shit.

The night you left me hurt me to my very core.

It made my stomach tight and my sphincter sore.

You said goodbye and then just hit the road.

If you don’t come back soon, I may just explode!

Thoughts of losing you were my greatest fears.

Now your gone and I packed up to my ears.

I love you so fuckin’ much that I can’t shit.

I miss the love and affection that you give.

When we were together they were like a laxative.

Now you’ve left me and I’m tighter than a drum.

It’s been so long I’ve forgotten how to wipe my bum!

When you left me you took a piece of my soul,

But I’ll keep waiting for you, perched here on the bowl.

I love you so fuckin’ much that I can’t shit.

Chilling, I know.

Oh, what could have been...

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