Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

I love my photoshop program. It is so much fun.

But people get kinda freaky-deaky when I put their likenesses on tampon boxes, or in newspaper headlines featuring Chris Hansen. I don't know, I thought it would be flattering.

So, in order to express my "creative side," (so much nicer than the term the shrinks use!) without inciting more death threats, I use my own likeness as my subject. Does this make me narcissistic? Not at all! (Being in love with myself and not giving a crap about anyone else makes me narcissistic!) This just gives me more freedom.

So, here now are just a few of my past Photoshop productions featuring my humble self...

I decided to start this off with among my favorite pictures; the one that confesses a dark secret of mine, from my earlier post, "The Thing About Witches."

Here is me with my band of brothers from my "Among the Sasquatch" post.

Mr. Potato-Chris - Not flattering, I know. This got no fewer than three people to ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you?!?" I don't know. I found it funny.

"Extra Chris P." - Absolutely no reason for this. I was bored one day. And hungry, I guess.

Sorry, this one still cracks me up!

"Dutch Chris" - Used in my "Greatest Drink in the World... This Week" blog for a drink featuring a Dutch-made liqueur, The ChaiTini.

"Moonhead" - this is the wallpaper on my iPod Touch!

Okay. That is enough of that crap for right now. Even I get tired of seeing my face! I'll be back when I have something NEW to post, not just rehashing old shit again!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Decisions, Decisions...

So, exactly how thirsty are you?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Photo Safari: Santa Fe

Santa Fe, New Mexico is pretty widely known for its laid-back, artist-style, hippy-friendly atmosphere, throw in a "Folk-Art Festival" and you are one step away from a Woodstock reunion!

So, my sister and I were strolling through the festival when we saw this guy: Long white beard, blue turban AND a visor?
Trophy! As soon as we saw him, we knew a Photo Safari was on!

The matching silk pajamas suit earned this woman a spot.

Headwear is always a good attention getter, and one shaped like a sand castle is perfect to get one included in this collection!

So many flowing, silken gowns, skirts, scarves, and wraps.
Here, a woman tests out a garment's "flowability" to make sure it moves enough.

I only included this woman because of her magnificent head of hair! Nothing freakish about her otherwise, and no points were awarded for this shot.

The perfect mid-point on an imaginary spectrum that has Fran Drescher at one end and Stevie Nicks down the other.

My sister in mid-snapshot of a "
one pantleg rolled up on a henna-tattooed senior" trophy.

Loud and proud, baby. Loud and proud.

The Folk-Art Festival was supposed to be about cool shit like this...

Not freaky-deaky attendees! This was just a bonus!

But, before anyone gives me shit about mocking these people for being true to who they are, remember that mocking is MY WAY of being true to who I am.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Darth Nibbles

The following is a true story, every damned word.

Cleaning out my mother’s shed not too long ago, I found a box. Opening it up I discovered only some old, plastic garden supplies. "Nothing too interesting there," I thought. However, deep within these supplies I suddenly spied pair of black eyes looking up at me.

Those tiny peepers belonged to a momma mouse with a whole clather of young ‘uns attached to her!

Ah crap.

Now I am not SO heartless as to harm an innocent family, okay, but I also won’t allow a bunch of freeloading squatter’s rights to this shed!

I collected the whole box and carried it out of the shed, when one little mouse detached itself from its mother and looked up at me.


I was transfixed. After a moment or so in, I realized I was under a Jedi Mind Trick!

I guess 'mouse-Jedis' only hold sway on smaller animals because I shook it off pretty quickly. But still was the problem of relocating a family. I took the whole clutch of them to the edge of the woods and dumped them out. They all scrambled through the desperately in the in-need-of-a-cutting grass towards the woods and perceived safety just outside the fenceline.

At the last minute, the little one stopped and looked back at me. I wasn't sure if he nodded his head in a silent "thank you for kindness, Good Human" gesture or if it was a "You took our home, I will not sleep until I have destroyed all that you care for!" gesture. Mice are hard to read like that.

I must admit, however, that I kind of enjoy the thought of having a future that could either find me rewarded by some future king of the Mouse world or one that has me suffering at the tiny little hands of a rodent overlord, Jedi descendent.

So exciting.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A Tale of Wisdoms

So, about a week or so back I gave in and finally got my last three wisdom teeth pulled. One of them was cracked and I figured I'd get it all over with at once.

Yeah, there was a LITTLE swelling...

But the funny thing about having teeth pulled: They don't want to give them back to you after they pull them; "biohazard," or some such malarkey. However, they DO make an exception for *ahem* teachers.

So I got two of my wayward choppers back, all covered with blood, and jaw flesh, and calcified tissue, (Blegh!)

I cleaned 'em up a bit, (flossing was a cinch!) and removed all that extra junk, et viola! Better than ever!
But now, what do I do with them.

I got some suggestions, mostly for a necklace. But I only have the two teeth. So I thought instead:
Earrings! (Tres fashionable!)

Or how about...
Human Scrimshaw! Ha-HA! How the tables are turned!

Or perhaps:
Corn On the Cob holders!
(Ironic, since it is usually corn that gets stuck in the teeth, not the other way around!)

Some other ideas for consideration include: Pushpin/thumbtacks, cufflinks, a 'Crocodile Dundee'-style hatband, and custom stereo knobs...

Still looking for the perfect use.

Any ideas? I am open to ALL suggestions!


Monday, September 6, 2010

Photo Safari: Maine

Maine: America's Vacationland and the South of the North.

On a recent R&R getaway with the missus, we ran across this place: A road-side business involving a massive building, decades of rust, mold and splinters, and maybe seven or eight teeth.

American Pickers, you been served.

Is it a Barn? Or is it a Mall? BOTH?!?

Just a little "eye-candy" out front to entice the masses.

Out front signage: "Keep dogs in car. No shit."
We found it ironic that Elmer didn't want shit in his front yard!
Further Irony is that there is a toilet at the base of this sign.

The welcoming front doors to the "Antiques Mall" beckon one inside...
Like a giant Venus Flytrap!

Whilst meandering though the building, I snap a shot of some of the acres of "wares."
It was like a Tetanus Jamboree!

Another shot of things for sale here, this one taken from up one the third floor, I believe.

The "Folded Mermaid" sculpture was particularly telling about the contents of this mall.

An attempt to cash in on the huge "Second-Hand Mill-Stone Craze" that is apparently sweeping our nation's attic.
Incidentally, as I came around to take this shot, the "Creepy Screaming Stone Clown Face" scared the shit outta me!

A wide assortment of yard crap, and not a gnome in sight.

"You want totem poles? We got your totem poles right here! C'mon Down!"

Okay, I mock, but in fairness, I did buy something; this cool, old, black kettle and it goes perfectly in my kitchen.

Thank you, Elmer.

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