Thursday, October 1, 2009


Damn. October is only a few hours old, and this crap happened...

As I was buttering my toast with a teaspoon earlier today, a though struck me: “Where the hell are all my butter knives?” I had about eight of them in this flatware set. True, it is a few years old, but still, forks, teaspoons, tablespoons: all present, (with some acceptable loss to garbage disposal mishaps, o’course!), but butter knives? MIA!

There was no obvious rational explanation, so logic dictates that an irrational explanation must be at hand. I considered many, Oh, so many irrational explanations, (those who know me can vouch for the number of irrational ideas I can summon at will,) and the only one that makes sense, (in an irrational manner, that is,) is Poltergeists.

Sure, I also considered gremlins. But, after careful scrutiny, I believed poltergeists are the more likely culprits. The motif operandi just didn’t seem befitting of typical gremlin behavior.

A single butter knife was found later. It had been used most recently to tighten a screw in putting up a towel rack in the bathroom. This reinforces my poltergeist suspicions as the mischievous spirits sensed it’s most recent usage and believed it to be a screwdriver, not a butter knife, (it is a fairly well-known fact that poltergeists are incapable of abstract thought and random generalization.)

I decided to go out and buy more butter knives. However, these will be purchased not to replace their missing predecessors, but as BAIT!!! I would construct a device to capture the flatware abductors once and for all. But first, I constructed a night image, motion detecting camera mechanism to correctly identify the villain. From the images that I would catch, I could construct the appropriate trap.

I had more toast, buttering it with the former screw-driving knife to re-establish it’s flatware status, and baited my surveillance.


However, the situation is worse than I thought. My apologies to all those poltergeists out there. And to you innocent gremlins as well. The following series of photos proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that demonic possession is the cause.

Yep. As I always suspected. That cat is a susceptible host to one or more demons inhabiting his body and stealing my butter knives for some hellish purpose.

Time to bone up on on my exorcism rites, and fill the squirt gun with holy water.

This may be a long month.

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