Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Worse-Case Scenario Zombies

So, I'm sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my sister, Kerry, discussing certain tropical, rum-based cocktails, (but I won’t elaborate on those here, that is for the OTHER blog!), when Kerry tells me how she enjoys a really good Zombie. And that right there was all it took to kick-start my mind down a tangental path from which there is little hope of return. With Halloween looming on the horizon, I started thinking about the WORST possible zombies, and I don’t mean the the drink!

Now it is a known fact that Zombism can affect anyone, right? More specifically, anyone with a human brain. And all zombies are bad for you. But, as we have seen time and again, some zombies are much meaner and harder to destroy than others.

It is with this in mind that I compiled this brief, (but illustrated!) list of what I think could be zombie worst-case scenarios!

1. Edward Scissorhands.

This is really a no brainer. His gentle, tortured-soul demeanor gone, those snippers are now Freddy Kruger-ish skull can-openers!

“A little off the top?”

2. The Six Flags Guy. Already one creepy, little, troll-like creature, a taste for human flesh would really round out this character nicely. You know, now that I think about it, I am not certain that he isn’t already a zombie.

3. Sally Kellerman. I am sorry. For some reason, Sally Kellerman’s name always pops into my head for this type of thing. You can disregard this one and I’ll throw another on the list to make up for it. But still, I’d hate to run into her, dead or alive.

4. Yoda. Would a Jedi Master retain his ability to use the force after zombification? Would this constitute crossing over to the dark side? An angry, little undead Yoda would kinda look like a gremlin, wouldn’t he?

5. Cookie Monster.

At first, this might seem funny since Cookie Monster has no teeth, (from years of a steady diet of chocolate chips cookies, no doubt!), but never forget his capacity for gluttony! The damned bastard might ever swallow you whole! Digested to death by an undead muppet is not a pretty way to go...

6. Mayor McCheese.

When you have a massive cheeseburger for a head, you hear lots of “Eat me” jokes. Turn those tables and you get a beefy zombie with a serious axe to grind! The only way to disable a zombie requires damaging the brain? Well good luck finding it in this sandwich-headed politician’s five-foot-diameter noggin.

Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce...

And lastly...

7. Chuck Norris.

Dead or alive, Chuck is badder than you. In fact, Chuck is the baddest Mofo on either side of the curtain of life. And Zombie Chuck can and will beat you down, humiliate you, eat your brains with a soup ladle, and then make you offer him seconds!

Well, that's all I've got for now. But this list is far from comprehensive. These are just the first seven that came to mind, the blatantly obvious ones. Please feel free to list others in the comments section below!

Bonus Zombie Survival Tip: When running to escape a horde of Zombies, it is ideal to be running with two friends; one who is a little bit faster than you and one who is slower. The faster one will be the first if you run into more zombies ahead, and the slower one, well, just don't let him carry the keys...


  1. Love this list..made me laugh out loud. I would also add an ET zombie, Sarah Palin, and Joan Rivers. Three things that scare me just as he/she are. As zombies....they are down right terrifying.

  2. Oooh!
    An E.T. zombie would be creepy as hell!
    But Joan Rivers already is!


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