Four years ago I began a campaign to right a long-overdue wrong. A victim for doings outside of my control, I petitioned for forgiveness, acceptance and understanding. Apparently my pleadings fell upon deaf ears. I submit now for perusal, (and sympathy,) the single-sided correspondence that haunts and taunts me this time of of year. But remember, you need not judge me in order to sympathize.
And if, in any way, this letter touches your heart, please feel free to mention my name in your own letter to St. Nick.
Your humble author, Chris
Dear Santa Claus,
By this time, I am sure you have made your list, and maybe even checked it twice. My name, no doubt, is filed under the “Naughty” heading, yet again this year.
Since you are known to be a reasonable man, I appeal to your sense of righteousness. I’m the victim here. I am not naughty by choice, I was made naughty by society!
In my impressionable youth, peer pressure to fit in made me behave a certain way that may have jeopardized my good standing on your list but earned me some “street-cred” in my neighborhood. Popularity had a strong appeal. After all, realistically, what good are gifts with no friends to share them with?
Then along came girls. The media had created the “rough-and-tumble rogue”, the play-by-his-own-rules rascal with a heart of gold. Han Solo, Fonzie, Vinnie Barbarino, Starsky and Hutch! Bucking convention with their own tough-guy style, but yet possessing a strong moral compass to guide their way.
Would you give Han Solo a lump of coal?!?!
Then came the rock bands. Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy. The bad-boy image was the only way to get into the really hot-chicks pa..., uh, hearts.
These were not my rules, I only obeyed them. Society is to blame. The media should get this year’s lump of coal! I should be rewarded for my ability to adapt to such a demanding lifestyle! I should be compensated for my years of empty stockings for no other reason than following the examples put before me!
You are a reasonable man, so I know you will see it my way. To assist you in making amends, I have provided you with a list this year.
For Christmas this year, I would like:
- A new paintball gun with 4000 rounds of ammo,
- 200 plastic spiders,
- a black ski-mask,
- a new keg-erator, fully stocked if possible,
- a foreign passport, preferably to a non-extradition country like Argentina,
- a skateboard and 50 foot tow-rope,
- 8 cans of black spray-paint,
- 12 cases of shaving cream,
- and one of those little lasers that you shine on movie screens or people’s privates.
Thank you, Santa, and Merry Christmas