Saturday, December 12, 2009

'Letter to Santa' Saturday

The following is "Part 2" of a campaign that I had waged to correct a long-standing injustice; namely, the removal of my name from Santa Clause's "Naughty List," put there years before, obviously due to some clerical error, and not through any fault of my own. This communiqué attempted to address Mr. Clause as an equal, to appeal to his fabled sense of right and wrong. As one can plainly see from the provided document, even the law supports me on this...

December 3, 2007

Dear Santa,

Last year, (and many years prior to that,) I, and countless others, wrote to you with a list of preferred items for Christmas. As always, you seem to ignore the list of items and gave out whatever you chose to dispense, presumably the overstocked items in your Elvin sweatshop, er, workshop. One can only imagine the number of children, and/or gift recipients that awoke on the 25th, hoping and expecting the items they requested, only instead to find your alternative gift ideas.

As this is the age of litigation, and you seem unable to change your irresponsible ways, I am forced to pursue legal action in order to correct this path of public indifference that you have displayed for so long. The following is a copy of the unspoken, understood agreement as prepared by my legal counsel.


Between the party of the first part, Christopher Toler, Swampscott, Massachusetts, USA, (the “Service Provider”)

And the party of the second part, Santa Claus, Santa’s Workshop, North Pole, Arctic Circle, (the “Service Contractor”)

1. DESCRIPTION OF SERVICES. The Service Provider, Mr.

Toler, agrees to provide the Service Contractor with services

consisting of:

a. An observable pattern of “good” behavior, as evidenced

by a lack of legal infringements, practicing of proper and

considerate manners, assistance provided to others on a

regular basis, respectful mannerisms towards others, and

completion of all assigned chores/work, both household

and within the workforce, to include bedroom cleanliness,

taking out of the trash, lawn maintenance, (if applicable,)

and general non-messiness.

b. A list of desired presents provided within a timeframe

appropriate for preparation and fulfillment of same.

c. Fresh cookies and cold milk upon completion of


2. PAYMENT FOR SERVICES. The Service Contractor, Mr.

Claus, agrees to reward the Service Provider with specific

preferred items requested in writing at the end of the term of


3. TERM. The service agreement begins on 12:01 AM, December 26, and is concluded at 12:00 AM,

December 24 of the following year.

As you can plainly see, as described in the agreement, you are clearly delinquent in fulfilling your end of this contract.

However, I have been advised to allow you to make reparations outside of the courts, as this flagrant neglect of responsibility could have serious negative ramifications for your livelihood, your reputation and the holiday you represent, Christmas.

To avoid a class action suit between you and me, as well as every unwanted-gift recipient in all of Christendom, you must retroactively honor your end of our agreement and get me ALL of the gifts that I have requested in the past, but did not receive, including the Bob Long Intimidator paintball gun, a 1974 Huffy 3-Speed Cruiser Bicycle, (with sissy-bar banana seat and flame decals,) an ‘H.R. Pufnstuf’ lunchbox with matching thermos, a pair of ‘Six-Iron’ cap guns with a hundred roll of caps, and the gyro-powered Evel Knievel Daredevil Stunt Cycle.

Full list to be sent certified mail in 3-4 business days.

Yours truly in hoping to find a resolution,

Christopher Toler

1 comment:

  1. You are an insanely funny man! LMAO!!! Love it! I want in on this lawsuit! LOL


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