My ongoing campaign to vacate my perennial seat on Santa's "Naughty List" found me last year attempting to soften Santa's heart once again. But there may have been just a little too much of a strong-arm leaning to it...
Once again I find myself appealing to your fabled sense of justice. That moral compass said to guide you through the trials of right vs. wrong ascribed to you in the various accounts of your past, (i.e. the battle of wills against the Burgermeister, your defeat and subjugation of the Winter Warlock, your circumnavigation of the Miser Brothers, and your victory over the Martians in 1964, to list but a few,) seems to be all too silent, (or wholeheartedly ignored,) in this case of an undeservedly repudiated gift recipient, AKA, me.
This year, as you have continued to ignore my pleads for compensation for your past neglects and wrongdoings, (specifically, my continued ill-founded and wrongful presence on your arbitrary and biased punitive grudge sheet known as “the naughty list,”) it seems plain to me that you are no longer fit to serve as an objective and fair holiday icon. Therefore, I am forced to pursue an action open to me: The petition to have you replaced.
My proposal is a simple one: A new mythical holiday icon installed to represent the forthcoming gift giving season.
This new icon need not be reputed as the actual dispenser of gifts, (and therefore not perpetuate some lie to our children that only serves to chisel away the ever eroding trust that our growing kids have towards their parents,) but rather one that simply INSPIRES others with the desire to give more plentiful and elaborate gifts in the latter half of, oh, I don’t know, let’s say December. In this fashion, this new personification of generosity could be embraced for showing appreciation towards adult gift recipients as well as the young ones.
Continuing along the lines of universal acceptance, the new champion of the season may exist outside of religious affiliations and be therefore welcomed in and on school and government property during celebrations, (unlike the Christo-centric “Nativity settings” or Judea-centric menorahs!) This could be assisted further by utilizing color combinations that are as-of-yet unassociated with current holidays, like perhaps Orange and Teal, or grey and heliotrope.
As titles have been proven vehicles of recognition, (Captain Kangaroo, Burger King, Doctor Who,) our future seasonal embodiment may benefit from some form of rank to expedite your succession, but without relation to military, religion, or foreign governmental infrastructure: some ideas include Professor, Chief, Coach, Comptroller, Ranger, or Uncle.
Consideration has been given to the selection of a name, too, preferably one without blatant ethnicity, (as in “Abraham de Lacey Giuseppe Casey Thomas O'Malley!”), yet rhymes easily for future song writers and caroling. “Professor Lee,” “Ranger Ray,” “Coach Lou,” or “Uncle Roy” all show promise in this area.
At this point, Santa, I need to mention that I have been a fervent proponent of Christmas and the whole holiday season-thing all of my life. It pains me to instigate such action, especially as I know that such a thorough and well though-out plan would gain rapid and wide acceptance and snowball into your complete and utter removal from the holiday vernacular. So, in the spirit of the season, I am willing to temporarily keep this petition from further development and subsequent circulation as a display of my lack of “naughtiness.” It is my hope that this action will prove my intentions and move you to perhaps sparing me the coal this holiday season.
Merry Christmas and may Uncle Roy speak highly of you,