Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Twelve Things for Christmas


The first thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

Anything “As Seen On T.V.



The second thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

The sleeved-blanket called a “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.



The third thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

The Sham-WOW super towel,

A backwards bathrobe called a “Snuggie,”

And anything described “As Seen On T.V.”



The fourth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

Anything from Chia,

The Sham-WOW ultra rag,

That wizard’s Johnny called a “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The fifth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!!

Anything from Chia,

The "German-made" Sham-WOW,

That cult uniform-looking “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The sixth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

A “Magic Bullet” mini blender,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!!

Please nothing from Chia!

I don't spill enough to need a SHAM-WOW,

“When blankets are too complicated, choose a Snuggie,

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The seventh thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

A Suzanne Somers’ Thigh Master,

A “Magic Bullet” mini blender,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (Although those commercials are hot!)

A Chia anything!

The Beavis-sold SHAM-WOW,

The SpEd-Jedi wardrobe, “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The eighth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

Any garden Weasel

That Suzanne Somers’-thing Thigh Master

A “Magic Bullet” mini blender,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (sigh.)

Chia -pet, -tree, -head, or -Scooby,

You need a headset to sell a Sham-WOW,

Not even a Sham-WOW material “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The ninth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

Another frigging Clapper,

"Ninja weapon" Garden Weasel

Suzanne Somers did have great thighs!

A “Magic Bullet:” A blender, but small,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (Hubba-hubba!)

Cha-cha-cha-Chia!

Sham-WOW, (it's a wash cloth!)

Don't sit next to a stranger in a “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The tenth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

A Topsy Tail, (given sarcastically,)

Seriously? A Clapper?

Garden Weasels scare me!

I used to have the hots for Suzanne Somers!

A “Magic Bullet” blending blender,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (Unless you can find it in 3-D!),

a Chia petri Dish!

Sham-WOWs make great diapers,

The Kris Kross dressing gown, “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The eleventh thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

Any K-Tel collection,

A Topsy Tail, (I get it, I’m bald,)

Who is lazy enough to need a Clapper?

A Garden Weasel killed my brother!

Suzanne Somers did have great thighs!

A “Magic Bullet” Margarita Maker!,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (*insert perverted laugh here!)

I should NOT have smoked that Chia!

I could use the Sham-WOW with those videos!

...Hiding under a “Snuggie,”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”



The twelfth thing for Christmas, please don’t give to me:

Any Oxi Clean, (R.I.P. Billy Mays!)

A K-Tel crap-fest of any kind,

A Topsy Tail, (I swear, I’ll hit you!,)

No! You friggin’ “Clap Off!,”

Garden Weasels should be outlawed!

I'd watch Suzanne Somers’ "Go Wild!"

Make me a drink with my Magic Bullet Boat Drink Maker,

GIRLS... GONE... WILD!!! (unless you got it cheap!)

HOLY SHIT! A Chia Obama?!?

Sham-WOW; for the slob on your Christmas list,

Seriously. Does anyone OWN a “Snuggie?”

And anything “As Seen On T.V.”




BUT WAIT! You can also keep your Bedazzler, Ginsu Knives, Pasta-Pal, Ab-Roller, or anything from RonCo, Franklin Mint, or Tony Little.


Merry Christmas.

4 comments:

  1. Uh, oh! Looks as if I need to make some returns. Really though, this is a great parody!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Margo!
    I actually put this together because someone was thinking about getting me one of the items on this list.

    Sort of a musical, preemptive strike!

    ReplyDelete
  3. BUT WAIT!!! What about the Handyman's Ove Glove? :) It's Machine washable. LOL Love ya Chris! You never cease to make me smile n laugh! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. And Chris, I don't have accounts with the options provided to let you know it's Kristine, but it's me... :)

    ReplyDelete

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