Decisions, Decisions...

My GPS tried to slap my face!

Suburban Headhunters!!!

This past snowstorm brought me a pile of wet, heavy snow, a sore back from shoveling and an excuse to make a snowman, (see previous post, or click here!) of whom I was proud enough to take a picture and post it here, immortalized among the other ruins of my life.

Well, I came home from work the other day and lo and behold! My precious snowman was headless! At first, I assumed it got warm, some meltage was involved, and perhaps his snowy noggin fell off.

But there were no traces of hat, glasses, carrot, anything. To paraphrase the movie Sleepy Hollow, "The head wasn't found severed. The head wasn't found at all!"

VANDALIZED!

However, this type of shit cracks me up. I mean, who would steal a snowman's head? And for what purpose? So senseless. I love that.

So, I decided to join in and shows these Headhunters what senseless was all about.

Et Viola! "The Shrunken Head Snowman!"

Yeah, "too much time on my hands," I know. But c'mon! Who doesn't love a little head?

More Snow...

"Heart Attack-Snow" my mother used to call it. A bitch to shovel but awesome for snowball fights, snow forts and of course, snowmen.

Hey, wait! Same hat, same build, same complexion...

Holy Cats! Did I accidentally do a self-portrait?

Yes, I know. "Too much time on my hands."

My New Tattoo

So lately I have been thinking about getting another tattoo.

It's true that there are "Tattoo people" and "non-Tattoo People" but some folk, (like your humble author, for example,) fall somewhere between these loyalty lines. We like some ink, but don't feel that every chapter of our lives needs to be illustrated on our person.

But, in my consideration, I chose to do a wee bit of research. "Let's see what's out there!" I told myself. Holy moly, what a mess! Frankly, there are too many bad decisions committed to ink-on-flesh in the world, it turns out.

Then, in typical lazy-ass fashion, I figured, "Hey, this crap would make a good blog posting!" and decided to find some of the best of the worst in permanent body art. Remember, that once upon a time, someone, somewhere, thought each of the following tattoos was a GOOD idea!

Except this. I refuse to believe that someone once thought it was a good idea to turn his navel into a monkey sphincter about to get digitally probed. It can't be.

Okay. Lesson here: Groceries aren't the only thing you should avoid shopping for when you are hungry.

Finally! Someone decided to acknowledge that Gumby ALSO died for our sins!

There is symbolism here that I cannot begin to understand...

See this here? Vegetarians simply lack this level of commitment!

I've never heard of "Fudgetown," but according to this Carebear, it must be nice. Y'know, wholesome an' shit.

This one makes me feel optimistic. If there is a tattoo out there for every crap sitcom from the eighties, then maybe my "Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo" idea isn't so far-fetched!

I think it is fairly unanimous that crystal meth and self-inked tattoos don't mix well...

This doesn't necessarily apply to the tattoo artist's spelling skills.

And now, frankly, we all look illiterate. Thanks, Slash.

On second thought, maybe I'll just buy a new t-shirt.

Ten Funkiest Cartoon Themes of the 1970s!

Yeah. I said it, 1970s. I am an old fart.

But this is when I watched cartoons and frankly they were better. These were among the funkier ones from my, (albeit, foggy,) memories.

10. The original "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You." Of course, I am talking the pre-Scrappy version. The opening theme alone was better than just about every episode that starred Scrappy Doo.

9. "Fat Albert." Not only was the theme song cool, "The Gang" would do a tune mid-way through the show, (on bed springs and washtubs and other shit,) that was usually pretty groovy, y'know, to its target audience's sophisticated tastes. Hey, hey, hey!

8. "Hong Kong Phooie." Whoops! Hold on... I just re-listened to this, and despite having Scatman Cruthers on vocals, there is no funk here. Disregard this entry.

7. The Banana Splits! technically not a cartoon, but a cartoon show! The theme song was more 'fun' than 'funk' but DAMN! I wanted one of those Banana-Buggies!

6. "Kimba the White Lion." I'm sorry. I can't get this bouncy little ditty out of my head. It's been a week now. Dear God! Someone help me!

5. "Underdog." Yeah. I said it. Listen for yourself.

4. "Speed Racer." "He's a dmeon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone!" It was really cool to be a kid back then. (But how did nobody ever put together that "Racer X" was actually "Rex Racer", Speed's long lost brother, thought to be dead?)

3. "The Pink Panther."

Okay. Perhaps having a theme song composed by Henry Mancini gives this one an unfair edge.

2. DANGER ISLAND! ("Uh-Oh! Chong-go!) This "Banana Splits" featurette had james Bond-era cool written all over it! And it was a great live-action show for children, too!

1. The absolutely funkiest cartoon theme song ever: The Harlem Globetrotters Show!

Just plain cool.

References for Assholes P.S.A.

Statistically speaking, one out of every twelve Americans is an asshole. And this number, tragically, is increasing all the time. You may know or even work with one of these individuals. If this is the case, you may be at risk of being asked to write a reference for one.

It is here that the dilemma becomes apparent. You can’t say something nice, but you really want this asshole to go away. What do you do?

My wife recently was asked to write a professional reference for a coworker. She was on the horns of the above dilemma. Together, we wrote a nice, and honest, (-ish,) reference for this asshole.

“References for Assholes” P.S.A.

If you are stuck trying to find something nice to say about your asshole co-worker, how are you going to sell them off? If you have things that are not-so-nice to say, that is a far easier place to start.

Go on now and provide references for assholes with confidence. And if YOU also happen to be an asshole, this stuff works well on resumés, too, I, uh, just happen to know...

Bored...

...and awaiting inspiration.

Decisions, Decisions...

Holy Moly! I swear, I am not making these up!

Winter Fun

How I spent my weekend...

Attainable Resolutions Ideas P.S.A.

Happy New Years to all!

Now what?

Well for most people it means starting over and doing a little self-improvement via 'New Years Resolutions.' But the sad truth is that 90% of all Americans break their resolutions within three months, (like me, for example, and my resolution to stop creating fictitious percentages to try to make a point!)

So what is a person bent on bettering themselves to do? If you guessed make more easily attainable resolutions, you are right! (And better than those idiots who couldn't guess this!)

As yet another Public Service Announcement, here now are some "Attainable Resolutions" suggestions:

I hope this helps some people develop their goals for the new year. And I wish a Happy New Year to all, (or at least "to MOST", I am resolving to be more truthful,) and good luck in 2010!

Chris