Photoshop: Featuring ME!!

I love my photoshop program. It is so much fun.

But people get kinda freaky-deaky when I put their likenesses on tampon boxes, or in newspaper headlines featuring Chris Hansen. I don't know, I thought it would be flattering.

So, in order to express my "creative side," (so much nicer than the term the shrinks use!) without inciting more death threats, I use my own likeness as my subject. Does this make me narcissistic? Not at all! (Being in love with myself and not giving a crap about anyone else makes me narcissistic!) This just gives me more freedom.

So, here now are just a few of my past Photoshop productions featuring my humble self...

I decided to start this off with among my favorite pictures; the one that confesses a dark secret of mine, from my earlier post, "The Thing About Witches."

Here is me with my band of brothers from my "Among the Sasquatch" post.

Mr. Potato-Chris - Not flattering, I know. This got no fewer than three people to ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you?!?" I don't know. I found it funny.

"Extra Chris P." - Absolutely no reason for this. I was bored one day. And hungry, I guess.

Sorry, this one still cracks me up!

"Dutch Chris" - Used in my "Greatest Drink in the World... This Week" blog for a drink featuring a Dutch-made liqueur, The ChaiTini.

"Moonhead" - this is the wallpaper on my iPod Touch!

Okay. That is enough of that crap for right now. Even I get tired of seeing my face! I'll be back when I have something NEW to post, not just rehashing old shit again!

Decisions, Decisions...

So, exactly how thirsty are you?

Photo Safari: Santa Fe

Santa Fe, New Mexico is pretty widely known for its laid-back, artist-style, hippy-friendly atmosphere, throw in a "Folk-Art Festival" and you are one step away from a Woodstock reunion!

So, my sister and I were strolling through the festival when we saw this guy: Long white beard, blue turban AND a visor?

Trophy! As soon as we saw him, we knew a Photo Safari was on!

The matching silk pajamas suit earned this woman a spot.

Headwear is always a good attention getter, and one shaped like a sand castle is perfect to get one included in this collection!

So many flowing, silken gowns, skirts, scarves, and wraps.

Here, a woman tests out a garment's "flowability" to make sure it moves enough.

I only included this woman because of her magnificent head of hair! Nothing freakish about her otherwise, and no points were awarded for this shot.

The perfect mid-point on an imaginary spectrum that has Fran Drescher at one end and Stevie Nicks down the other.


My sister in mid-snapshot of a "one pantleg rolled up on a henna-tattooed senior" trophy.



Loud and proud, baby. Loud and proud.

The Folk-Art Festival was supposed to be about cool shit like this...

Not freaky-deaky attendees! This was just a bonus!

But, before anyone gives me shit about mocking these people for being true to who they are, remember that mocking is MY WAY of being true to who I am.

Darth Nibbles

The following is a true story, every damned word.

Cleaning out my mother’s shed not too long ago, I found a box. Opening it up I discovered only some old, plastic garden supplies. "Nothing too interesting there," I thought. However, deep within these supplies I suddenly spied pair of black eyes looking up at me.

Those tiny peepers belonged to a momma mouse with a whole clather of young ‘uns attached to her!

Ah crap.

Now I am not SO heartless as to harm an innocent family, okay, but I also won’t allow a bunch of freeloading squatter’s rights to this shed!

I collected the whole box and carried it out of the shed, when one little mouse detached itself from its mother and looked up at me.

...

I was transfixed. After a moment or so in, I realized I was under a Jedi Mind Trick!

I guess 'mouse-Jedis' only hold sway on smaller animals because I shook it off pretty quickly. But still was the problem of relocating a family. I took the whole clutch of them to the edge of the woods and dumped them out. They all scrambled through the desperately in the in-need-of-a-cutting grass towards the woods and perceived safety just outside the fenceline.

At the last minute, the little one stopped and looked back at me. I wasn't sure if he nodded his head in a silent "thank you for kindness, Good Human" gesture or if it was a "You took our home, I will not sleep until I have destroyed all that you care for!" gesture. Mice are hard to read like that.

I must admit, however, that I kind of enjoy the thought of having a future that could either find me rewarded by some future king of the Mouse world or one that has me suffering at the tiny little hands of a rodent overlord, Jedi descendent.

So exciting.

A Tale of Wisdoms

So, about a week or so back I gave in and finally got my last three wisdom teeth pulled. One of them was cracked and I figured I'd get it all over with at once.

Yeah, there was a LITTLE swelling...

But the funny thing about having teeth pulled: They don't want to give them back to you after they pull them; "biohazard," or some such malarkey. However, they DO make an exception for *ahem* teachers.

So I got two of my wayward choppers back, all covered with blood, and jaw flesh, and calcified tissue, (Blegh!)

I cleaned 'em up a bit, (flossing was a cinch!) and removed all that extra junk, et viola! Better than ever!

But now, what do I do with them.

I got some suggestions, mostly for a necklace. But I only have the two teeth. So I thought instead:

Earrings! (Tres fashionable!)

Or how about...

Human Scrimshaw! Ha-HA! How the tables are turned!

Or perhaps:

Corn On the Cob holders!

(Ironic, since it is usually corn that gets stuck in the teeth, not the other way around!)

Some other ideas for consideration include: Pushpin/thumbtacks, cufflinks, a 'Crocodile Dundee'-style hatband, and custom stereo knobs...

Still looking for the perfect use.

Any ideas? I am open to ALL suggestions!

Thanks!

Photo Safari: Maine

Maine: America's Vacationland and the South of the North.

On a recent R&R getaway with the missus, we ran across this place: A road-side business involving a massive building, decades of rust, mold and splinters, and maybe seven or eight teeth.

American Pickers, you been served.

Is it a Barn? Or is it a Mall? BOTH?!?

Just a little "eye-candy" out front to entice the masses.

Out front signage: "Keep dogs in car. No shit."

We found it ironic that Elmer didn't want shit in his front yard!

Further Irony is that there is a toilet at the base of this sign.

The welcoming front doors to the "Antiques Mall" beckon one inside...

Like a giant Venus Flytrap!

Whilst meandering though the building, I snap a shot of some of the acres of "wares."

It was like a Tetanus Jamboree!

Another shot of things for sale here, this one taken from up one the third floor, I believe.

The "Folded Mermaid" sculpture was particularly telling about the contents of this mall.

An attempt to cash in on the huge "Second-Hand Mill-Stone Craze" that is apparently sweeping our nation's attic.

Incidentally, as I came around to take this shot, the "Creepy Screaming Stone Clown Face" scared the shit outta me!

A wide assortment of yard crap, and not a gnome in sight.

"You want totem poles? We got your totem poles right here! C'mon Down!"

Okay, I mock, but in fairness, I did buy something; this cool, old, black kettle and it goes perfectly in my kitchen.

Thank you, Elmer.

Po' Boy Travel Tip

Smells of summer

Few things about being a schoolteacher are as gratifying as the vacation time. Like right now!

Last night, however, as the missus lay all sleepy-poo under her covers, (she does NOT have the week off. So I try to be quiet when I stay up. Thoughtful husband,) I was enjoying a late night repast of Mai Tais and popcorn, when suddenly it hit me: The wicks on my new tiki-totem-shaped tiki torches are too long!

I decided to light them! Ingenious. So I fill the little bastards with citronella fuel and break out the Zippo, (actually, the Zippo was out in my truck. I used a Bic. But since "Break out the Zippo" just sounds better, lets keep that line in for all future retellings...)

I gave the wicks a little extra "burn room" and add the fuel. A few moments later, they are fully charged and I give them a light. Magnificent! A big, full flame with that odor of burning citronella that just yells, "SUMMERTIME!"

Suddenly, though, the yelling is real. Or at least an approximation of yelling. Apparently, the extra wick, and the newness of it, threw off quite a little bit of soot into the room, and my smoke detectors proved that bargain batteries are just as good as those brand names, blaring their wake-up call to rat me out to the wife!

Now, years ago, I studied to be a firefighter, (among a plethora of other things) and am well practiced in the case of such an emergency. I spring into action...

I quickly disabled the smoke detectors after the first two sets of chirps! I opened the back door and blew out my torches and waited for repercussions.

Shortly thereafter, the bedroom door opens and my wife, Cheryl, comes out. She uses the bathroom. Maybe she was awakened but wasn't aware of what caused her to wake! That has happened to me in the past!

Upon leaving the bathroom, she calls down to me. "What was that noise?" she asks.

"Noise?" I feign ignorance, poorly. "What noise? I didn't hear anything. I'm sure you were dreaming!" (They always use THAT line in the movies. It sometimes works, too. Why the fuck not? I mean, what do I have to lose, right?)

"That beeping! You KNOW what I'm talking about," she quickly sees through my cunning deception, (and knowing that I had a Mai Tai or two that evening, she more than likely imagined me doing one of my drunken fry-ups!)

With nowhere else to turn, (and lord knows, the truth is not a card needed to play yet!) I dismiss the whole thing with, "Don't you worry about that. It has been dealt with." I hoped that these words made me out to seem more of a protector and less of a menace, and Cheryl sighs, a sigh somewhere between exasperation and too tired to care for further dealings with my like. She returns to sleep.

But I had a taste. And I liked it. I took my two new torches out back, (lesson learned!) and lit them again. Oh my god! The smell of citronella has such a ring of summer to it. It was awesome. If I had a hard time getting motivated to do some work out in the yard yesterday, well, today was a cinch. Summer is well and truly on the horizon and I had just the slightest taste of it last night.

And though Cheryl doesn’t realize it yet, so did she.

Unattended Blog Math

Thought - Motivation = A whole list of Nothing.

In other words, although there are a lot of ideas running through my head that I wanted to write about, I simply haven't been motivated lately.

Hence, the Attic sits dormant.

Maybe sooner or later, I will get motivated, but one problem is, some of my ideas require a bit more work than than I really want to do right now...

But, today, I decided to write something. Anything! So, in an effort to light a fire under my own butt, here is a short list of some of the things I want to eventually get to:

1. Toast! In true egomaniacal fashion, I decided to make a stencil of my face cut into aluminum foil and place it on a slice of bread and put it in the toaster, so that my likeness would be toasted into it. Yummy.

2. Kermit Sings. Another project that I started but haven't gotten into was a commercial for Kermit the Frog on his banjo doing heavy metal songs. Splicing some footage from muppets movies and shows, and overdubbing me playing banjo and doing my best Kermit impersonation on songs like AC/DC, Metallica, Sabbath, et cetera.

3. "Ode to the Chicken: Nature's Candy." Just a poem that I started.

4. "The Redcoats." Apparently anyone can come up with a political movement these days. The name doesn't have to be remotely related either! ("Tea Party?" Weren't the original Tea Partiers, like, really liberal? A bit of a departure there, huh?)

5. Akai Rice. Lastly, I was planning on writing out an amusing little tale about Akai rice, (56 times more fiber than white rice. That's right, FIFTY SIX TIMES!!!) and its chemical reactions with Mai Tais. A true story that is still "unfolding..."

Decisions, Decisions...

This here is YET ANOTHER example of the value of consulting immature people.

Why Great Britain ROCKS!!!

Back in September, I posted "Why Bavaria ROCKS!!!" and had a hard time believing such names existed.

Well, apparently, that is nothing! Great Britain has some of the most unexpected place names going! And unlike Bavaria, these have ALWAYS been in English!

No consistency to the Queen's tongue, eh? (Oooh! THAT sounded dirty!)

Here's what I mean:

I'm not making these up! See:

I was going to try to connect these sights in a logical manner, suitable for touring, but frankly, there are just too many!

And here are a few more!!!

And, before I turn in for the night, I need to get out the old "Cock & Pullet!"

What did you think I meant?