Saturday, March 13, 2010

Facts about Leprechauns*

Still more lesser-known and entirely fabricated facts about Leprechauns, this time based on accounts from that “classic” entry into the Leprechaun film saga, Leprechaun 4: In Space!

Our titular villain is somehow on a distant planet, and antagonizing the local populace. He is never referred to as a Leprechaun, by himself or others, simply as the alien. (But WE know what he truly is!) And these are some (more,) of the things we have learned about leprechauns.

1. Leprechauns are capable of interstellar travel, but will explode if out in space unprotected. (Yes, explode. I know, I know! Look! I didn't write this pile sh... I mean, I am only reporting on what I watched.)

2. If someone urinates on an exploded leprechaun’s corpse, his spirit can travel up that urine stream, and he will birth himself from that person’s penis during an awkward moment of intimacy. (Okay, this made me REALLY uncomfortable to watch this. It is offensive to me as both a viewer of the film and as the owner of a penis! A total "UGH" moment.)

3. Leprechauns talk to themselves... A lot. (I know, this is usually a device to move a plot, and to inform the viewers of the characters thoughts, but a. this movie doesn't really have much of a plot, b. the main character doesn't have much along the lines of thoughts, and c. I doubt that the movie has all that many viewers!)

4. Leprechauns are terrible shots with laser pistols. (Go figure.)

5. Leprechauns are capable of of bodily possession, shape-shifting, mimicry, teleportation, resurrection, telekinesis, force field generation, and energy beams. (But can't do anything to avoid getting sucked out an airlock, (how original,) and can't hit shit with a pistol. Talk about selective skills sets!)

Proof that even a nasty dwarf with a THAT face can score a babe, (and being a "space-babe" she is, of course, scantily clad.)

One additional comment: Good God, people! If you ever get the chance to see this movie, by all that you hold dear, DON’T!

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