Where Santa's Elves Moonlight

'Letter to Santa' Saturday

Four years ago I began a campaign to right a long-overdue wrong. A victim for doings outside of my control, I petitioned for forgiveness, acceptance and understanding. Apparently my pleadings fell upon deaf ears. I submit now for perusal, (and sympathy,) the single-sided correspondence that haunts and taunts me this time of of year. But remember, you need not judge me in order to sympathize.

And if, in any way, this letter touches your heart, please feel free to mention my name in your own letter to St. Nick.

Thank you,

Your humble author, Chris

December, 2006

Dear Santa Claus,

By this time, I am sure you have made your list, and maybe even checked it twice. My name, no doubt, is filed under the “Naughty” heading, yet again this year.

Since you are known to be a reasonable man, I appeal to your sense of righteousness. I’m the victim here. I am not naughty by choice, I was made naughty by society!

In my impressionable youth, peer pressure to fit in made me behave a certain way that may have jeopardized my good standing on your list but earned me some “street-cred” in my neighborhood. Popularity had a strong appeal. After all, realistically, what good are gifts with no friends to share them with?

Then along came girls. The media had created the “rough-and-tumble rogue”, the play-by-his-own-rules rascal with a heart of gold. Han Solo, Fonzie, Vinnie Barbarino, Starsky and Hutch! Bucking convention with their own tough-guy style, but yet possessing a strong moral compass to guide their way.

Would you give Han Solo a lump of coal?!?!

Then came the rock bands. Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy. The bad-boy image was the only way to get into the really hot-chicks pa..., uh, hearts.

These were not my rules, I only obeyed them. Society is to blame. The media should get this year’s lump of coal! I should be rewarded for my ability to adapt to such a demanding lifestyle! I should be compensated for my years of empty stockings for no other reason than following the examples put before me!

You are a reasonable man, so I know you will see it my way. To assist you in making amends, I have provided you with a list this year.

For Christmas this year, I would like:

- A new paintball gun with 4000 rounds of ammo,

- 200 plastic spiders,

- a black ski-mask,

- a new keg-erator, fully stocked if possible,

- a foreign passport, preferably to a non-extradition country like Argentina,

- a skateboard and 50 foot tow-rope,

- 8 cans of black spray-paint,

- fireworks,

- 12 cases of shaving cream,

- and one of those little lasers that you shine on movie screens or people’s privates.

Thank you, Santa, and Merry Christmas

Chris

Write Your Own Theme Song!

Holy Son of a Moly! One Hundred Posts! Who said I'd never accomplish anything? (Oh yeah, that was my high school guidance counsellor, my father, most teachers, the parish priest... the list goes on, but who can be bothered to finish something like that.) In any case, for my one hundredth post, I decided to give something back to the community. I little plan that might make the whole world just a little bit brighter.

I call this plan, "Write Your Own Theme Song!"

I love sitcoms. From my (albeit, skewed,) perspective, sitcoms rate up there as one of America’s greatest contributions to the world of entertainment, right alongside Major League Baseball, presidential scandals, mocking the French, and of course, Humor Blogs.

Sitcoms’ theme songs are so cool, too. Especially the late sixties, early seventies shows like “Gilligan’s Island,” “Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Brady Bunch,” et cetera. They used their theme songs to bring an audience “up to speed.” A first time viewer could listen to the opening song and immediately know what was going on and who was involved.

“Oh, I see. They are stuck on an island! And what an assortment of personalities. Hilarity must ensue!”

So comforting.

Now, I do not mean to imply that these songs were formulaic, but there WAS a specific formula that was used almost without fail, (okay, maybe I do mean to imply they were formulaic.) But if these opening themes could express a situation so succinctly, and let a person know the what was happening and who was who in a minute or two, then maybe people could benefit from having one.

It was with this philanthropic idea, (“What a swell guy!”) that I put together a few simple lines to help out those literarily-challenged individuals in composing a theme song of their very own.

Simply select a line for each corresponding, lettered space in the following verses and there you have it! Your own theme song. Think of it as a musical "Mad-Libs."

Give it a whack!

Of course, I don't want people to limit themselves to my verses! These are just offered out to those who want them to share the story of their own 'situation.'

Just my way of giving back to society.

"Y'all come back, now. Y'hear?"

Your humble author with his "Lady Friend" and costars on the set of her show.

"CHRIS! is the one, sweeter than a sticky bun,

CHRIS! is the one, working hard... and having fun.

CHRIS!"

Decisions, Decisions...

I especially like the choice between "New" and "Used" S.T.D.s.

Trend Setting

When my time comes on this earth, people will say of me, “He was here!” Oh yes!

And this will most likely be due to my contributions, (and assistance in contributions,) to the lexicon of society. F’rinstance:

Many people did not know that I am responsible for the “Finger quotes” hand gesture. Well, not me, personally, but I came up with the “Parenthesis Hands” gesture, which didn’t quite catch on, but someone must have seen me doing this and chose a different point of punctuation to act out.

Same thing with the milk mustache, (although my idea was actually the ‘watermelon sideburns’,) with similar results.

I was, however, the very first person to pluralize the word “Hell” when vehemently agreeing with myself, (as in “HELLS, YEAH!”) It was during a late night pub crawl, and I was intoxicatedly slurring due to a generous-handed barmaid, but the point still stands. (And if you are wondering if I will use “parenthesis hands” when I read this to anyone, the answer is “Hells yeah, I will!)

But, recently, I considered bringing back a fashion element. I wanted to reintroduce an element of class to a generation starved of it, stylistically-speaking. I chose the monocle. That's right, the monocle.

Now, there are many reasons for and against this iconic eyepiece, and all of these are in the form of past users, (so therefore images are available,) and graphically listing them just makes good sense...

So, in the end, the monocle’s connection to The Third Reich is just too close for a guy with a bald head like mine to risk. I may have to look for something else to be the next new trend.

Maybe carrying a riding crop. That's innocent enough.

APACHE!!!

I love this video. It is quite possibly the greatest video that I have ever seen.

Just look how damned cool that keyboard/vocalist is.

He knows. He knows that women want him, men want to BE him!

Pure Cheese.

Elvis Deciphered

I’ve been an Elvis fan all my life. Even in high school and college when it wasn’t considered “cool” to be an Elvis fan, I was an Elvis fan. His bluesier stuff are my faves, but I really dug it when he got funky in the sixties, with songs “ A Little Less Conversation,” “Burning Love,” and “Viva las Vegas.”

A great voice, and awesome songs, sure, but there was something else. Oh sure, everybody knows the “Pelvis” gyrations and the subtle sexuality played a huge role in his success, but closer inspection of some of his songs reveals some hidden subtext, much too controversial to be blatant, but it’s there, BETWEEN the lines. See what I mean...

“Its Now Or Never” This one is pretty obvious. It could have been titled, “Put out or get out!” I mean check out some of these lyrics:

“...Tomorrow will be too late,

it's now or never

My love won't wait.”

“Stuck On you” A cute little bubblegum pop song, right? Cute little bubblegum pop song about a STALKER!!! Check it out!

“Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall,

Ain't gonna do you no good at all.

'Cause once I catch ya and the kissin' starts

A team o' wild horses couldn't tear us apart”

Catch that on tape, ladies, and you got probable cause! Or at least a restraining order!

“Way Down” A great little piece of funk in that guit-riff. But why is it SO damned appealing? Oh, of course! Its a song about Oral Sex! C’mon:

“I need you so, Baby, let's go

Way down - where it feels so good

Way down - where I hoped it would

Way down - where I never could

Way down, down, way, way on down”

“Teddy Bear” One of the cutest little S&M songs ever!

“...Put a chain around my neck

and lead me anywhere...” and

“I don't wanna be a tiger

'Cause tigers play too rough.”

“All Shook Up” 40 years before the advent of Grunge, Elvis opens up and sings a detox song...

“My tongue gets tied when I try to speak

My insides shake like a leaf on a tree

There's only one cure for this body of mine

That's to have “that girl” that I love so fine!”

There are many more hidden meanings in the man’s work. An ambitious guy with plenty of time and a conspiracy-oriented mentality could even write a doctorate on this topic!

Such as:

Burnin’ Love - Venereal Disease

Kissin’ Cousins - Incest

How the Web Was Woven - MySpace/Facebook affairs, (Again prophetic!)

Edge of Reality - Drug Trip

Witchcraft - Satan Worship

I’ll Never Let You Go - Hostage Situation/Love Slave

Mystery Train - Drugs

Milkcow Blues Boogie - Demonic Possession

You’re A Heartbreaker - Premeditated Homicide

I Got Stung - And again, Drugs

And the list goes on! What does it mean? What would that same ambitious dude with a shitload of free time and a conspiracy-oriented mentality read into this?

He might ask himself “How could a dirt-poor country cracker go from redneck truck driver to King of Rock and Roll/Movie Star/Legend?” “Why was he so compelled to sing of these topics?” “Why was he taken so young?” “Did he make a pact with the Devil for his fame and immortal legend?”

Elvis Presley: King of Rock & Roll, or Prince of Darkness?

Holy shit! I’m glad I am not a very ambitious guy. I don’t like this. (Plus, coming up with this crap takes a lot of work!)

Elvis STILL rocks, by the way.

What to teach...

As a schoolteacher, I am continuously amazed that there are what I always considered fundamentally important things that so many people have never learned.

From an early age, schools, (preschools, kindergartens, primary schools,) should be teaching REAL life lessons that will make each student more welcomed in society later in their lives.

Here are a few examples:

- Courtesy flush! Seriously. This is not that difficult.

- Basic road rules: Turning left? Get on the frigging left!

- Deodorant and mouthwash aren't signs of conformity, you damned hippy!

- More basic road rules: Slower traffic stay right.

- Beer before liquor, et cetera.

- Yankees DO, in fact, suck!

- Disco STILL sucks

- In selecting a movie, beware anything that has Pauly Shore remotely associated with it. (File under “things that suck.”)

- 72.5% of all statistics are bullshit.

- Keep your eye on the fat kid. Trust me. Funny shit will ensue.

- Winning is important, but its the SECOND mouse gets the cheese.

Lets make tomorrow better. Kids need to learn this shit.

Decisions, Decisions...

Hmmm. I'm suddenly in the mood for a movie...

Left Over Hallowe'en Candy Ideas

First of all, I am not gonna speculate on the reason for only a single 'Trick or Treater' visiting last night, I am sure they had their reasons, and I am sure it was nothing personal.

I'm sure.

But the fact of the matter is, I now have one and a half metric shitloads of Halloween candy lying around, and if I don't want to force my dentist into buying a "Widebody Deluxe" dentistry chair, I need to find some other use for them aside from calling them full meals.

So, I comprised a list of 'Left Over Hallowe'en Candy Ideas'. (Feel free to use any if you, too, were snubbed by these little costumed beggars!)

- Alternative Gratuities: "Ahh, the service was excellent. And here are some Goobers for you, my good man!"

- 'Will-Work-For-Food' Wages: Let's see just how truthful those signs are. Clean out my gutters, cut and rake the lawn, and take out the trash. The pay is 8 Kit Kats and 12 Twizzlers per hour!

- Christmas Stocking Stuffers: Oh, sure. Like none of you have thought of this!

- Put it with the Crucifix and the Kryptonite: Now you can ward off Vampires, Superman AND Diabetics!

- 'Lawn Fishing' Squirrel Bait: Okay, this one is directed more towards those readers in the south...

- "Snickers Stuffing": Thanksgiving is right around the corner, y'know!

And, of course,

- Creative, (and Tasty!) Cocktail Garnishes: Reese's Cups go awesome with Amaretto, I, uh, happen to know.

Cheers, Chris

The BEST things about Hallowe'en...

Halloween is great fun in so many ways. The fancy-dress parties, watching the religious zealots lose their shit, public drunkenness... I mean, what's not to love!?!

In fact, there is so much that I love about Hallowe'en, that I decided to do a Letterman-style Top Ten List. (Please the note the "high road" of not resorting to a Letterman infidelity joke. Thank you.)

So, here now is my...

Top Ten Reasons Why Hallowe'en Is So Friggin' Cool!

10. Month-Long Horror Movie marathons, (Piranha 2: The Spawning?)

9. Jesus Freaks in Downtown Salem are so easy to get going!

8. The ability to wear a mask into stores, restaurants, et cetera. It's like a License to Stalk!

7. The ability to carry a real sword in public without arousing suspicion. "No! It ain't concealed!"

8. Enough candy left over from the beggar-training to block a colon!

5. All of the Sexy Witch/Cat/Vampire/Maid/ Devil/Bunny/Slut costumes!!!

4. I can finally get rid of those eggs that I have been saving since Hallowe'en '06!

3. I can bury things in my yard at night and people think I am being "seasonally festive" and "fun!"

2. Victims come right to the door. No reason to rent a van!

1. So much really poor-taste blogging material!

And lastly, my Bonus Reason:

All of those great scares, spooks and surprises! Happy Hallowe'en!

The Pansification of Vampires

The forthcoming Halloween season has made me take note of a fairly recent trend that I find bothersome, namely, this pansification of vampires.

Lemme 'splain...

Nowadays, there seems to be no shortage of vampire movies or T.V. shows. And they seem to mostly portray these monsters as sexy, glamorous, desirable, supermen/women with terrific hair!

And worse than that, this “New Breed” of vampire seems more interested in finding true love than to tear a throat out, drink the blood and live another day. “Sensitive vampires.” I ask ya!

All too frequently, the movies have attempted to “de-monsterize” the vampire by taking away it’s lethality, either through drinking blood in a more polite manner, or from animals, hitting blood-banks, or the most common method, by having the hip and hot, young, a-list bloodsucker attack and drink only from bad people.

In any case, the attempted goal is the same: to make vampires into sexy, strong, fast, superhuman immortals, that it is okay to fall in love with.

Make me sick.

Vampires should be first and foremost MONSTERS! Look here at this side-by side-comparison to see just what I am talking about...

Oh! I could go on. I could go on all night...

... et cetera, ad nauseam.

The sensitive, love-lorn vampire tale has an obvious flaw in its story, however. First, the vampire must find its true love, and then win it. Soon thoughts will turn towards marital bliss. Not long after, family planning becomes a priority. And so it goes.

The unavoidable outcome is that the vampire becomes a family man.

And we've all seen how THAT turns out!